Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Vegan jalapeno corn muffins

vegan jalapeno corn muffins from how to philosophize with cake

Sorry for last post. It was supremely shitty, and I am considering taking it down. Not the recipe, though. Because that was a boss recipe.

Blame it on the writing. From my limited experience so far in the craft, writing a book is sort of like running a marathon—and my dad, who actually ran a marathon once, would probably agree.

It starts out all fun and games, and you’re filled with adrenaline and sheer determination to finish, to get that medal and free water bottle awaiting you at the finish line; so you charge out at full speed and cover two, three miles in what seems like minutes. Inevitably, you realize you’ve overestimated your abilities and have to slow down. Now, instead of writing 3,000 to 4,000 words a day, you settle for about 2,000. Eh, that’s still pretty good. But then you start to burn out. It gets tough. You start cursing your own foolishness and the stupidity of the novel itself. Your nipples bleed. People cheering you on the sidelines start to look like the devil incarnate. All you want to do is collapse and pound your fists on the ground and whine like a little bitch. The ominous “wall” (or the blerch, if you’re the Oatmeal) looms just ahead.

I can’t tell you what lies behind that wall, because I haven’t gotten there yet.

But still, like every aspiring author, I dream of the world beyond. I have already gone through many internal debates—do I want to self-publish to keep total control over my intellectual rights and other aspects of the game; or do I want to gamble my precious novel, my baby, on a profit-driven corporation’s publishing services? I’ve thought about what contests I might enter, who I would ask to review my book, how I would create an author website, and so on and so forth.

These thoughts are distracting and unnecessary. Tragically, it turns out there is no benefit to wondering if Oprah would like your book. You just have to plant ass in chair and write.

If only it was that easy.

but it's hard michael cera gif
Bacon optional. source

Even worse, the Great and Powerful Force of Science tells us that willpower is a limited resource. As this Wired article explains, expending our willpower on one strenuous goal may deplete our ability to forge through and complete another goal—the example given being a trip to the gym after a long, hard day at work. It’s enough to make your knees shake, especially when you’re facing ten-hour school days (not counting homework) after a long and lazy summer. How can you possibly have the willpower to write a book when it’s eleven o’clock at night and all you want to do is sleep?

why is life so hard emo kid gif
Waaaaaah source

(Side note: when I say ten-hour school days, I’m not joking. Apparently fancy private schools like to run their students into the ground, South Korea-style. Maybe so they don’t have the energy to ask for BMWs after they get their driver’s licenses?)

You can see my problem here. And no, my problem is not that I won’t shut the fuck up about how hard writing a book is. This isn’t the Fight Club. Hmmph. *shuffles away* *whines in a corner* 

crying gif
That's some damn good acting. source

In the meantime, I can continue procrastibaking.

Seeing as the summer is almost over, I have some regrets that I have not made as many no-bake cheesecakes (zero) or ice cream recipes (one) as I would desire. Of course, I have some excuses—lack of ingredients, lack of opportunities (i.e. my Mom doesn’t think we need a cheesecake when obviously we do), inherent laziness...but there’s nothing that can be done.

So here’s another quick bread recipe. 

vegan jalapeno corn muffins
Quick muffin, that is.

This particular variation is not as sweet as you would typically expect from Baby June—the flavor straddles the bridge between sweet and savory, one could say, with naturally sweet corn and a bit of added sugar alongside jalapeno and onion. The end result of perfect. Perfect for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Tastes amazing when fried up with a bit of coconut oil. Mmmm yeah. Come to mama.

vegan jalapeno corn muffins
What does that even mean?

Okay. I’m done talking. Here is the recipe:


Vegan jalapeno corn muffins

Adapted from Cooking Light


18 grams • ground flaxseed • 2 tablespoons plus 2 teaspoons

305 grams • nondairy milk • 1 ¼ cups

15 grams • lemon juice or apple cider vinegar • 1 tablespoon

42 grams • coconut oil • 3 tablespoons

160 grams • sweet onion, chopped • 1 cup

6 grams • fresh garlic, minced • 2 cloves

166 grams • fresh corn • 1 cup

8 grams • jalapeno, minced • 2 teaspoons

125 grams • all-purpose flour • 1 cup

50 grams • granulated sugar • ¼ cup

4 grams • baking powder • 1 teaspoon

2 grams • baking soda • ½ teaspoon

2 grams • chili powder • ½ teaspoon


Preheat oven to 400 degrees F. Grease about 15 muffin tins and set aside.

In a small bowl, whisk together flaxseed and ¼ cup plus 3 tablespoons water. Combine nondairy milk and lemon juice / vinegar in another bowl.

In a large nonstick skillet, melt 13 grams / 1 tablespoon coconut oil. Add onions and garlic and cook for about a minute. Add corn and jalapeno and cook for another two minutes. Remove from heat and stir in the remaining coconut oil.

In a large bowl, whisk together all-purpose flour, granulated sugar, baking powder, baking soda, and chili powder. In a medium bowl, combine corn-onion mixture, milk mixture, and flax “egg”; then fold into flour mixture just until combined.

Divide batter evenly between 15 muffin tins. Bake for about 20 minutes. Let cool for five minutes before transferring to a wire rack. Munch.

vegan jalapeno muffins
Two lonely muffins. I need to put them out of their misery.

And just remember: if you’re trying to get something real important done, you’ve got to save up that you might as well dive in and eat those muffins.

It’s for the best.

vegan jalapeno corn muffins
Sure. Whatever.


  1. Ahhh I've been meaning to make jalapeño muffins for yonks now, these look fantastic and I am sure they help when pulling all the faces and ripping Your hair out trying to get those darn Words Down on paper, but fret not - it sounds like you've done great, and you just have to keep at it, get toknow the characters, delve a little bit deeper into the lives of them and the world you are creating, keep it interesting for yourself :) And get that cheesecake made girl! x

    1. Yes! Cheesecake and writing, those are #1 and #2 on my to-do list. :) They certainly help as writing fuel!