Cakes, cookies, and pies

Contrary to the title up there, there are not going to be cakes, cookies, and pies in this post. Well, there will be cake. 

OH MY GOD I'M BLIND!

The primary purpose of this post is to make you jealous of mah cupcakes. The secondary purpose is to—wait, what? First, cupcakes.

1. Cupcakes

That's me bestowing you with secondary sugar rush.

Remember those fancy schmancy piping tips and shit I got the other day at the craft store? No, you don’t, because it’s the most insignificant thing in the world and why would I ever expect someone to recall such a detail? I’m not some sort of narcissist—haha kidding, I am. Point being, I took those tips and contemplated how useful they would be in decorating cupcakes and thought to myself, “Am I too old to have a cupcake decorating party?”

Hint: answer is N.O.

You are never too old to have a cupcake decorating party.

Armed with this knowledge, I whipped up a huge batch of so-not-vegan Swiss meringue buttercream; baked (sadly imperfect) cupcakes with Momofuku’s famous funfetti cake recipe; and—gasp—socialized with a few people for a little bit while trying not to pass out from all of the pills I’d popped beforehand. I’m fucking serious, those anxiety meds are killer. 

Uh...okay June.

And no, I’m not seeking sympathy or anything, just trying to—you know—be honest about it. Some people take meds for cupcake parties. Doesn’t mean they’re batshit insane.

That’s it for today’s anti-stigma PSA.

On a positive note, I’d say it was a fabulous party. Parents of teenagers always appreciate when their child’s social gatherings don’t involve red cups and sweaty bodies everywhere. 

That's for damn sure.

One guest, who happens to be a gifted artist, created many lovely, intricate designs, as you can see. The spider web visible in the left corner of the above shot includes an adorable little spider composed of six sprinkles arranged in a ring. I don’t even know how she stuck them in the frosting without getting them stuck under her fingernails. The Force, maybe?

SO MUCH FROSTING.

It was a delightful way to break into all of these new tips and tools I’ve acquired. And delicious. We may or may not have gone into a sugar-induced coma afterwards.

And fat-induced, too. That Momofuku cake has not only liquid oil but butter and shortening. That recipe is probably one of the richest as well as one of the most delicious cakes I’ve ever made. I ought to veganize it someday, throw in a little tofu, make something that will keep vegan-loathing David Chang up at night.

Just kidding. He doesn’t hate vegans. I think.

2. Muffins

Anyway. Want to see some flawless cinnamon blueberry muffins held captive in a scruffy old cupcake pan? Probably not, but I’m going to show you anyway. 

Just look at that perfection.

My mom—the one who eats half a banana and dislikes bacon—makes an incredible muffin. I owe my penchant for baking to her. Here’s the recipe, if you’re interested.

3. Pancakes

As a cursory glance at my recipe index will tell you, I am a pancake monster. I have also tried far more recipes than I am willing to admit. Yet it was only recently that I happened upon the best whole wheat pancake to ever grace my breakfast plate. Check out Foodie Fiasco’s single-serving whole wheat pancakes—utter bliss. So soft and fluffy. Perfectly flavorful, thanks to the whole wheat and touch of sugar. Able to withstand a flood of maple syrup.

That is a double batch. Why? Because I am a certified pig.

The above stack includes blueberries and chopped chocolate, a combination I can now highly recommend, as I have finally recovered from my pancake coma and am able to offer coherent food critiques. Or not. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to provide coherent food critiques.

4. Super bananas

Did you hear that story about the so-called “super banana”, a heroic berry engineered to contain higher levels of vitamin A in hopes of helping the developing world overcome widespread deficiency in that important nutrient. Even though us first-worlders may never have even heard of it, vitamin A deficiency afflicts millions of people across the world, kills up to 700,000 children every year, and can leave victims susceptible to night blindness (wherein one’s eyes don’t adjust to the dark as easily). However, by increasing the beta-carotene content of a banana, we not only get a nice orange flesh on the inside but a nutritional powerhouse that could save many lives. Just think of that. Bananas are already a staple crop in many of the countries afflicted by vitamin A deficiency, so why not make it even more nutritious?

Of course, the product is still in human trials, so no need to panic quite yet. You’ve just go to admit, it’s funny—anti-GMO’ers be like “but but but we don’t know what will happen! We don’t know the long-term consequences!” when that sort of logic didn’t stop us from using cell phones, cars, or any number of technologies introduced in the past century. We might get cancer from cell phones—shit, it might even reduce your sperm motility / viability / whatever if you’re a dude—but you don’t see anyone giving up their preshus iPhone any time soon.

Okay. I swear I’m done with the pedagogy. Send me an angry, all-caps email. Tell me I’m a bitch in the comments section. Honestly, I’d love to talk—I won’t delete it unless it’s spammy and you’re trying to sell me supplements and what? No. Nobody wants your stupid-ass supplements. 

Another cool weight-loss formula: chop of your arm. source

5. Sexy selfie of the day

Um, yeah. Because.