Momofuku-inspired vegan confetti cookies

There are a lot of annoying quotes and proverbs out there. These are the folly of motivational posters and angry newspaper editorials and weepy folk tunes and awkward mother-daughter talks; these are the phrases that have been embedded into our collective moral consciousness since childhood, whether or not they actually fit with our religion or reality in general. We tend to not think about these sayings too much, lest we discover that hey, maybe they don’t make sense worth a damn, and maybe we shouldn’t keep saying them time and time again.

One particular saying has been unusually prevalent as of late.

Yep. source

That's right. source

You guessed it. source

Okay, first of all: why does everyone insist on attributing this quote to Tom Hanks? Sure, he’s a great actor (well that wins the award for “pointless sentence of the year”), but he’s still an actor. He didn’t write the script of A League of Their Own.

And yes, I did watch the movie. I felt bad that all of these people were doing all of this hard work to play baseball, of all things. Why not soccer? Why not a sport that is actually fun and interesting, goddamit?

So that was frustrating in of itself. But that quote—oh. my. god. It has been abused and mangled and employed as reason for the existence of all kinds of things.

Like running, for instance. Running is great, and there are many reasons to do it, but not because it is hard. Being difficult is not a good reason to do something. You know what’s difficult? Robbing a bank. That’s pretty fucking hard, and you don’t see people going around saying “If it wasn’t hard everyone would do it” as they wave bags of illicit cash in the air.

source

And this is coming from a runner.

Okay, a former runner, before I got depressed and fat and fell out of shape. But that’s a whole ‘nother long-ass story.

Point is, that ain’t how you justify the practice of a pointlessly repetitive exercise. Same thing with lifting or Crossfit or whatever the fuck else you do to make sure you have bulging muscles in all the wrong places and premature wrinkles.

The converse side of this quote is even worse—the implication that, if something is easy, everyone does it. You know what’s really easy? Farting in the middle of a crowded room. You don’t see people doing that every day. 

Because it's a mortal sin, dumbass.

I swear; next time I see this quote on some inspirational Pinterest board or fitness blog, imma fuck shit up. Sort of. Maybe. In theory, at least.

In the meantime, I’ve taken to consoling myself with some homemade cookies. Confetti cookies, that is. Inspired by Momofuku Milk Bar. Without animal products.

I can feel the rage dissipating already.

These cookies are, as you can see, not the soft and fluffy and oh-so-chewy cookies you see around Pinterest these days. For one reason or another, it seems thin, crispy cookies have been relegated to the depths of culinary obscurity and scorn—and personally, I’m not crying, since I find that cracker-like cookies are not the most appetizing things in the world. But those near-spherical undercooked masses of dough are not what you will find at Momofuku Milk Bar, a modern pastry shop famous for its enormous, addicting, and totally unique cookies. Their cookies are crisp on the edges and chewy in the middle, perfect for dipping in milk and shoving into one’s mouth with reckless abandon. They don’t try to reinvent the wheel; instead, they make their own wheel. Okay that made no sense, but you get my drift. I hope.

Basically: cookies.

The Milk Bar’s confetti cookies are not your ordinary sugar-cookies-with-sprinkles. They are reminiscent of a snickerdoodle, as revealed by the cream of tartar, and include a unique “birthday cake crumb” (which is awesome on pancakes) to infuse them with funfetti flavor. I mean, wow. That’s cool, right?

Now be warned: the cookies I have made here are not exactly like the cookies at the Milk Bar, for a number of reasons. First of all, I have veganized them by 1) using a combination of Earth Balance and coconut oil; 2) substituting milk powder with almond meal and 3) substituting eggs with bananas. After all that, of course they taste a bit different. But they are still a hell of a cookie.

And one more thing: I recommend making the cookies a bit larger than I did with this batch. The last time I made this recipe, I used massive 1/3-cup chunks of dough instead of little tablespoon-sized bits like this time. The larger cookies were a bit more complex and better textured, whereas these were slightly more uniform. So yeah, bigger is better. Who would’ve thunk it?

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Momofuku confetti cookies

Adapted from Momofuku Milk Bar Cookbook

Ingredients

Birthday cake crumb

50 grams • granulated sugar • ¼ cup

17 grams • light brown sugar • 2 teaspoons

45 grams • cake flour • ¼ cup plus 2 tablespoons

1 gram • baking powder • ¼ teaspoon

1 gram • kosher salt • ¼ teaspoon

10 grams • rainbow sprinkles • 1 tablespoon

20 grams • canola oil • 2 tablespoons

6 grams • vanilla extract • 1 ½ teaspoons

Cookie dough

113 grams • Earth Balance, softened • ½ cup

113 grams • coconut oil, softened • ½ cup

300 grams • granulated sugar • 1 ½ cups

25 grams • corn syrup • 1 tablespoon

100 grams • bananas, mashed • ½ cup

8 grams • vanilla extract • 2 teaspoons

400 grams • all-purpose flour • 2 ½ cups

50 grams • almond meal • 2/3 cup

9 grams • cream of tartar • 2 teaspoons

6 grams • baking soda • 1 teaspoon

5 grams • kosher salt • 1 ¼ teaspoon

40 grams • rainbow sprinkles, vegan if desired • ¼ cup

Instructions

To make birthday cake crumb, start by preheating oven to 300 degrees F. Stir together sugars, cake flour, baking powder, salt, and sprinkles. Add canola oil and vanilla and combine once more. Spread on a parchment lined baking sheet and bake for 20 minutes, stirring every five minutes to prevent clumping. Let cool completely on sheet pan before making cookies.

To make cookies, combine Earth Balance, coconut oil, sugar, and corn syrup in the bowl of a stand mixer and cream on medium-high for 2 to 3 minutes. Scrape down sides of bowl, add bananas and vanilla and beat for 7 to 8 more minutes until light and fluffy.

Reduce mixer speed to low and add all-purpose flour, almond meal, cream of tartar, baking soda, salt, and sprinkles. Mix just until dough comes together, no longer than one minute. On low speed, add birthday cake crumbs and mix for about 30 seconds just until incorporated.

Scoop dough onto a parchment-lined baking sheet in whatever portion you desire—the Milk Bar does it in 1/3-cup measures, but I chose to go a little smaller for this batch. Pat dough down so the tops are flat and place in the refrigerator for at least one hour. You can refrigerate the dough for up to one week.

In the meantime, preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Arrange chilled dough about 4 inches apart on parchment and bake for 18 minutes, or less if you have smaller portions of dough. Let cool completely on sheet pans. The cookies will stay fresh at room temp for about five days and in the freezer for a  month. Not that they would ever last that long.

PRINT RECIPE

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But no matter how you make these bitches, they are fabulous.

I woke up lyke dis.

That stack is a single serving, I might mention. The amount of time it took for them to disappear after taking these photos is between me, myself, and my holy deity of choice.