Creamy vegan pumpkin pie white hot chocolate

 

When it comes to procrastinating, a student’s creativity knows no ends. Really. You should see some of the weird, dumb shit I’ve done while setting aside those quadratic equations and essays over the years. In fact, lemme show you.

The past week, I’ve done a few, ahem, slightly blasphemous Photoshops on pictures of famous people. I mean, I’m really just trying to practice using the software, which is a very helpful skill (as we are all well-aware) in the realm of profile pictures as well as food photography. But mostly for comic effect. Blame it on Photoshop battles, the supreme subreddit of hilarious photo edits. That’s a club that takes some serious skill to join.

So here they are. First, I took this picture of Lincoln out of my files and thought to myself, “Gee this picture really needs a little something.”

A bit of a bland taste in fashion he's got there. source

Ah! Much better. A little hipster never hurt anyone.

That Lincoln? He judges your coffee. He listened to your favorite band before it was cool—but now they’ve sold out and gone mainstream, he doesn’t like them no more. This Lincoln is in touch with his emotions, goddamit.

And then you have Joan of Arc, the ultimate party-hard martyr, with this hopelessly bland painting. A tragedy, really. I just had to give her a slight makeover.

Grand, but not grand enough. source

Yass, Joan, slay!

You may recognize Ariana Grande’s “I love haters” hat. You will not, however, recognize the level of party going on in that little work of art. That Joan of Arc saves France by day and drops the beat (and maybe, when she’s feeling fly, some rhymes) in the strobe lights of the night. She don’t give a fuck. ‘Cept when it comes to the Hundred Years’ War, or the word of god, of course. 

To conclude this little tour of offensive photoshops, observe this neckbeard-inspired rendering of Winston Churchill, hero of World War II and professional quote-maker:

Peace? Really, Mr. Churchill? source

ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!

Anyway. That was pleasant, wasn’t it?

Now let’s talk about this pumpkin pie hot chocolate. 

Kinda plain, don't you think? I ought to--*puts on glasses*--spice it up a little.

I can't even.

As we launch headfirst into fall, I think it is very fitting to start out with a drinkable pumpkin recipe for the home-bound dessert lover. Not all of us like to schlep out to Starbucks every afternoon and fork over more than a few dollars for pumpkin spice lattes and mass-produced baked goods—or maybe we do. Sometimes we do.

But that sort of habit can expensive pretty quickly. The solution? Homemade!

Yes, I know, this isn’t a latte—it is hot chocolate, white hot chocolate to be specific, but hear me out. It’s sweet; it’s creamy; it’s got delicious, warm pumpkin pie flavors; and most importantly, you can top it with as much whipped cream as you want. That’s basically a PSL. You could even add a bit of espresso powder if you really wanted that faux coffee-drink effect.

You know. Because nobody drinks pumpkin spice lattes for the coffee.

Here’s the recipe.

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Creamy vegan pumpkin pie white hot chocolate

Adapted from this red velvet hot chocolate

Ingredients

488 grams • nondairy milk • 2 cups

120 grams • pumpkin puree • ½ cup

113 grams • nondairy white chocolate, chopped • 4 ounces

3 grams • cinnamon • 1 teaspoon

1 gram • cloves • ¼ teaspoon

1 gram • nutmeg • ¼ teaspoon

1 gram • allspice • ¼ teaspoon

1 gram • ginger • ¼ teaspoon

4 grams • vanilla extract • 1 teaspoon

Coconut whipped cream

Instructions

Combine, nondairy milk, pumpkin, chopped white chocolate, and spices in a small saucepan. Bring to a simmer—do not boil—and stir until the white chocolate has melted and ingredients are thoroughly combined. Let cool for a minute after removing from heat, then stir in vanilla. Serve with whipped cream. Drink up.

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Like my cheesy candle decoration, eh?

Rest assured that there is no calorie spared in this hot cocoa. It is rich and creamy and filled to the brim with sweet spiciness. Something to wake up early for.

Then again, homework also happens to be something to wake up early for, so I’m not sure if that’s so much of a good thing. Or we could just go with it.