There will be no cake today.
|The monsoon of sadness brings many tears. source|
Apparently, making cake more than once per week is a violation of intergalactic rule and results in a flood of flour-based horror movie-esque trauma, so after making this insanely delicious (yet non-vegan) chocolate passion fruit truffle cake my quota for cake-making has been filled for, I don’t know, about the next few decades. Or so my mother would have me believe.
|My mother, who only eats half a banana at a time. source|
So I have resorted to making another breakfast recipe to share with y’all, and while it’s not anything groundbreaking or particularly original, it’s still pretty damn delicious. This dessert-like pudding has all the typical breakfast elements—peanut butter, oatmeal, banana, even chocolate. Having pledged to only eat regular old food for breakfast (hello leftover enchiladas), this sort of breakfast-y fare is unusual for me. I think I went through a bit of shock when I dug in this morning.
Not only that, but this is unnervingly nutritious and healthy and has a conspicuous lack of flour or refined sugar or any kind of “dirt”, for that matter. The perfect meal to power up for a soccer tournament or recover from another stressful track meet. If I do say so myself.
|Just look at that! All of that brownish healthiness!|
And not only that, but the recipe entails a lovely search-engine friendly title! If you haven’t noticed, food bloggers tend to put a lot of keywords in their titles to give each post a higher search ranking, something I have previously failed to do. But no longer. Nine words, bitches. Nine words. Google is going to be all up in this post. Yeah.
Um. Yup. That’s all I have to say about that.
Fucking finals, you know?
Here’s the recipe:
Banana oat breakfast pudding with peanut butter chocolate granola
Makes one big-ass smoothie and a medium batch of granola
Peanut butter chocolate granola (adapted from Pumpkin and Spice)
64 grams • creamy peanut butter • ¼ cup
100 grams • maple syrup • ¼ cup plus 1 tablespoon
9 grams • vanilla extract • 2 teaspoons
312 grams • old-fashioned oats • 2 cups
84 grams • dark chocolate chips • ½ cup
Preheat oven to 325 degrees F.
Microwave peanut butter and maple syrup in a bowl until melted and mix-able, about 30 to 60 seconds. Stir thoroughly, then add vanilla.
Toss with oats with peanut butter mixture, then spread on a parchment-lined baking sheet and bake for 15 minutes, or until golden brown. Transfer granola to a large bowl and add chocolate chips, then mix lightly until the chocolate begins to melt. The granola is now completed and fabulous.
Banana oat breakfast pudding
52 grams • old-fashioned oats • 1/3 cup
80 grams • water • 2/3 cup
118 grams • banana • 1 medium
122 grams • nondairy milk • ½ cup
14 grams • dates • 2 medium, pitted
2 grams • cinnamon • ½ teaspoon
Cook the oats in the water to whatever consistency you prefer. Let them sit in the fridge overnight, covered.
The next morning, add cooked oatmeal, banana, milk, dates, and cinnamon to a blender and blend that bitch until it gets nice and creamy and pudding-like. Add to a bowl or glass and top with peanut butter chocolate granola. Mmm yeah it’s puddin’ time.
|Well hello sexy blender.|
I recommend using a nice and over-ripe banana for maximum sweetness and flavor, the kind that’s all soft and mushy and spotted with black. Which is I feel after playing a long soccer game in the mud.
|Yooooo this is fun! source|
For maximum photogenic-ness, put the
in one of those round glasses with the narrow opening, like all the profeshunal
blahgers do. Preferably with a straw. Preferably a fancy straw. I mean, just
look at this!
|Case number one. source|
Two straws?! That's over-tha-top.
|Case number two. source|
Someone, tell me, where does one get those straws, and do they cost more than underwear?
|Case number three. source|
Is that really a smoothie? Is it not luxurious strawberry mousse? Is this real life? Or is this just fantasy?
|Case number four. source|
Is that pineapple or something? I don't know, I'd eat it. That fucking glass, OMG.
|Case number five. source|
And now I feel possessed with the desire to buy a plane ticket to Barbados. And now I remind myself I don't have any money.
|Case number six. I'm sorry for making you scroll. Truly. But I can't help it. source|
Either that, or a mason jar, which, oh lawd. The food blogging god must’ve commanded everyone “put ALL the things in mason jars!” at some point in time because there really is no other explanation.
I mean, I’m just bitter. My brain is fried and all I can think about is how I had to put my smoothie in a Guinness mug like some sort of peasant and subsequently spend all this effort trying to hide that little golden harp because teenagers are technically not supposed to drink. Technically. This is pudding though, so it doesn’t count.
In case you’re wondering, here’s the thing I was referring to:
|Don't tell anyone.|
Okay. Now I forget how the electron transport chain works. Again. Just great.