Banana oat breakfast pudding with peanut butter chocolate granola

There will be no cake today.

The monsoon of sadness brings many tears. source

Apparently, making cake more than once per week is a violation of intergalactic rule and results in a flood of flour-based horror movie-esque trauma, so after making this insanely delicious (yet non-vegan) chocolate passion fruit truffle cake my quota for cake-making has been filled for, I don’t know, about the next few decades. Or so my mother would have me believe. 

My mother, who only eats half a banana at a time. source

So I have resorted to making another breakfast recipe to share with y’all, and while it’s not anything groundbreaking or particularly original, it’s still pretty damn delicious. This dessert-like pudding has all the typical breakfast elements—peanut butter, oatmeal, banana, even chocolate. Having pledged to only eat regular old food for breakfast (hello leftover enchiladas), this sort of breakfast-y fare is unusual for me. I think I went through a bit of shock when I dug in this morning.

Not only that, but this is unnervingly nutritious and healthy and has a conspicuous lack of flour or refined sugar or any kind of “dirt”, for that matter. The perfect meal to power up for a soccer tournament or recover from another stressful track meet. If I do say so myself.

Just look at that! All of that brownish healthiness!

And not only that, but the recipe entails a lovely search-engine friendly title! If you haven’t noticed, food bloggers tend to put a lot of keywords in their titles to give each post a higher search ranking, something I have previously failed to do. But no longer. Nine words, bitches. Nine words. Google is going to be all up in this post. Yeah.

Um. Yup. That’s all I have to say about that.

Fucking finals, you know?

Here’s the recipe:

_________________

Banana oat breakfast pudding with peanut butter chocolate granola

Makes one big-ass smoothie and a medium batch of granola

______________

Peanut butter chocolate granola (adapted from Pumpkin and Spice)

Ingredients

64 grams • creamy peanut butter • ¼ cup

100 grams • maple syrup • ¼ cup plus 1 tablespoon

9 grams • vanilla extract • 2 teaspoons

312 grams • old-fashioned oats • 2 cups

84 grams • dark chocolate chips • ½ cup

Directions

Preheat oven to 325 degrees F.

Microwave peanut butter and maple syrup in a bowl until melted and mix-able, about 30 to 60 seconds. Stir thoroughly, then add vanilla.

Toss with oats with peanut butter mixture, then spread on a parchment-lined baking sheet and bake for 15 minutes, or until golden brown. Transfer granola to a large bowl and add chocolate chips, then mix lightly until the chocolate begins to melt. The granola is now completed and fabulous.

____________

Banana oat breakfast pudding

Ingredients

52 grams • old-fashioned oats • 1/3 cup

80 grams • water • 2/3 cup

118 grams • banana • 1 medium

122 grams • nondairy milk • ½ cup

14 grams • dates • 2 medium, pitted

2 grams • cinnamon • ½ teaspoon

Directions

Cook the oats in the water to whatever consistency you prefer. Let them sit in the fridge overnight, covered.

The next morning, add cooked oatmeal, banana, milk, dates, and cinnamon to a blender and blend that bitch until it gets nice and creamy and pudding-like. Add to a bowl or glass and top with peanut butter chocolate granola. Mmm yeah it’s puddin’ time.

___________________

Well hello sexy blender.

I recommend using a nice and over-ripe banana for maximum sweetness and flavor, the kind that’s all soft and mushy and spotted with black. Which is I feel after playing a long soccer game in the mud.

Yooooo this is fun! source

For maximum photogenic-ness, put the smoothie pudding in one of those round glasses with the narrow opening, like all the profeshunal blahgers do. Preferably with a straw. Preferably a fancy straw. I mean, just look at this!

Case number one. source

Two straws?! That's over-tha-top.

Case number two. source

Someone, tell me, where does one get those straws, and do they cost more than underwear?

Case number three. source

Is that really a smoothie? Is it not luxurious strawberry mousse? Is this real life? Or is this just fantasy?

Case number four. source

Is that pineapple or something? I don't know, I'd eat it. That fucking glass, OMG.

Case number five. source

And now I feel possessed with the desire to buy a plane ticket to Barbados. And now I remind myself I don't have any money.

Case number six. I'm sorry for making you scroll. Truly. But I can't help it. source

Either that, or a mason jar, which, oh lawd. The food blogging god must’ve commanded everyone “put ALL the things in mason jars!” at some point in time because there really is no other explanation.

I mean, I’m just bitter. My brain is fried and all I can think about is how I had to put my smoothie in a Guinness mug like some sort of peasant and subsequently spend all this effort trying to hide that little golden harp because teenagers are technically not supposed to drink. Technically. This is pudding though, so it doesn’t count.

Look! No harp!

In case you’re wondering, here’s the thing I was referring to:

Don't tell anyone.

Okay. Now I forget how the electron transport chain works. Again. Just great.