Lemon blueberry crisp with almond cookie topping (gluten-free and vegan)

My mother is not one to make exotic vegan or gluten-free foods, nor does she appreciate me substituting butter for coconut oil and such things (for whatever reason). So imagine my surprise when one day, I amble into the kitchen to find a bag of brand-spanking-new coconut flour sitting on the counter.

Vegan lemon blueberry zucchini muffins with pecan streusel

In a perfect world, Baby June wouldn’t have to slave for hours over her laptop struggling to overcome creative constipation and googling how to write fight scenes because to be honest, she has not been in a fistfight in her life and she’s not really sure how she feels about that since it is now such a crucial thing to know for this goddamn story.

Vegan chocolate coconut zucchini cupcakes

Do you listen to pop radio? I certainly do. I’m no music connoisseur (aside from the heaps of classical pieces I’ve learned over the years), and while I do think that I have excellent taste (like every other person in the world) I am not above the Top 40 and such things.

Lately, I’ve been struck by more than a few songs playing on the “kids these days” stations. For example:

Homemade vegan chocolate chip cookie butter, plus a frosting to use it

Confession time:

I hate cookie butter.

There. I said it. I hate peanut butter’s sexier, slightly fatter older sister, the pet poodle of the food blog world and dessert lovers everywhere, the “personal crack” of at least five million Trader Joe’s-shopping, Biscoff-toting speculoos addicts around the world. Bite me.

Wicked easy vegan chocolate chip cookies

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: June is a bitch, and therefore gets riled up over the simplest things, one of which is the way folks like to label their recipes ZE BEST without any sort of factual justification for the claim. And we all know only America’s Test Kitchen is allowed to do that.

Vegan olive oil zucchini bread pancakes

I imagine you are mighty sick of seeing zucchini-infused baked goods by now. I know I am. My mother won’t let me make anything unless it has zucchini in it, which is quite inconvenient as I’ve never heard of zucchini macarons, or zucchini chiffon cake, or whatever?

Wait. Not trying give you any ideas. If you care about the children, you’ll not make either of those things.

Vegan chocolate cookie dough ice cream cake with homemade chocolate wafer crust and cookie dough frosting

That title sorta reminds me of those extreme satirical dessert bar thingys I made a few months ago. You know, the peanut butter chocolate cookie dough-studded dark cocoa brownies with candied almond crust, banana pudding swirls, and hazelnut chocolate drizzle, plus sprinkles, and also those totes delish salted dark chocolate Oreo-stuffed white chocolate chip cookie bars with coconut red velvet cheesecake swirls, walnut streusel, and salty caramelized drizzle, plus sprinkles. How could you forget?!

Hot damn, those were fun times.

Homemade vegan chocolate wafer cookies

Today, I have one question for you: would you buy a self-published book?

You may recall (probably not) that I’ve been spending the past few weeks binge-writing my novel-in-progress—a novel which I someday hope to publish, with a traditional publisher or not. But lately, I’ve begun to think that maybe a traditional publisher isn’t the route I want to take.

Vegan fudgy zucchini brownie cupcakes with lavender buttercream

Whipping up these cupcakes has caused me to wonder: why haven’t I made anything with lavender before?

No idea.

Because it is mind-blowing. World-changing. Palate-arousing. “Ugh, can’t even”-inspiring.

And you can expect me to incorporate lavender into as many recipes as possible in the coming months, for better or for worse.

Vegan southwestern summer squash sauté

Because my mother has not taken up my offer of helping her start up a food blog (you know, to show off her lasagna and chicken-making skills), consider today’s post a guest post of sorts from a blog that does not exist. My mother’s kitchen, if you will. Because I did not make this dish. Though I ate it. Lots of it. Has Baby June’s gold star / seal of approval / whatever, because this shit is gooooooood.

Well, good in the way that vegetables sautéed with fresh jalapenos and such are good.

Vegan tiramisu pancakes

Hey y’all! Long time no see! No worries, I’m back to torture you with more odd-looking breakfast food and gory butchering of the English language. Hide yo wife and hide yo kids, cos June is here to stay.

Vegan baked French toast topped with maple blueberry crisp

Right after departing from our five days of Suzuki violin force-feeding otherwise known as Ogontz, la familia de Baby June headed right over to Lincoln, New Hampshire for some more vacationing. Why? I am not entirely sure. This is, however, our only big vacation of the year, so it is only natural that we would want to milk the opportunity for all it’s worth.

Vegan blueberry muffins with cinnamon pecan streusel

I’m an indecisive person. Thankfully my life isn’t wracked with life-or-death decisions like, say, should we bomb Syria, or if we should go to Dunkin Donuts or Starbucks (the last one is up to my mom and her credit card). But lately, I’ve been thinking about decisions. Things I’m not certain about.

Turns out, I’m not certain about much. A list, for your enjoyment:

Neapolitan celebration cakes part III - vanilla layer cake

When you do a lot of baking, you pick up odd tidbits of information that are hard to explain to someone who isn’t as familiar with this form of culinary creation. You learn when you should substitute whole grain flours and when you shouldn’t; you know what ingredients to replace in a pinch; you know if it’s okay to skip a step, if it’s just an unnecessary complication. And most importantly, you learn how to spot a shitty recipe.

I’m still working on that last one.

Neapolitan celebration cakes part I - fresh strawberry layer cake

There’s no feeling quite like knowing that there is a celebration coming up which requires cake. Part of my overly-enthusiastic love for Christmas is the quantity of dessert it requires me, the resident pastry chef, to make for various gatherings and parties. You should’ve seen the cakes I spammed my Facebook friends with last year.

Or maybe not. Secondary sugar rush is a serious thing.

I am also happy to make desserts for any other occasion conceivable (trust me—there is no low I won’t sink to if it means I get to make cake); I’ve made cakes for neighbors and schoolteachers and the pseudo-“tea parties” my friends and I would have (and given that we are all avid tea drinkers, it is quite fitting).

Vegan buckwheat raspberry pancakes with cashew cheesecake sauce

It seems that these days, so many things “go viral” it is difficult to keep up with all of the new sensations and celebrities-in-the-making and baby animals who suddenly become more famous than you will ever be. One can only read so many breathless Buzzfeed articles before slamming one’s laptop shot and picking up the New York Times. At those moments, articles not ridden with with LOL’s and OMG’s are very, very refreshing. In their own way.

Vegan maraschino cherry quick bread

When you’re young and innocent, there are a lot of things you take for granted. Like what exactly those red things are in Shirley Temples. Okay, they’re maraschino cherries—so do they grow on trees? Can we go maraschino cherry picking this summer? They don’t grow on trees? Oh, whatever, I guess.

Vegan strawberry coconut sweet rolls with Grand Marnier glaze

Although I’ve not had much experience with it during my brief life, I’ve always been fascinated by booze. Beer, wine, liquor, all of those strange and unique drinks made from odd ingredients with odd flavors, filled with that mysterious thing called alcohol. Why do people like it so much? What is the appeal of those musty-smelling bottles anyway? What is alcohol like? Does it hurt? How does it feel getting drunk? Aren’t you embarrassed by your behavior? Why are you acting like this? Are you okay? Can you hear me? Why are you crouching under the table like that?

Vegan cookie dough-studded sex in a pan, from scratch

Yes. Sex. In a pan.

This is what I promised you, way back when.

As someone who practically fetishizes homemade desserts and other goodies, I am simultaneously fascinated and horrified by good old Murican classic desserts—such as sex in a pan—which are heavily reliant on boxed cake mixes, instant pudding, flavored gelatin, and, of course, Cool Whip. Dessert snobs (like me) can dismiss these desserts as grub of the plebian masses…but when it comes to potlucks and barbecues, guess which disappears first: an intricately constructed torte, or the trough of Oreo delight?

Yeah. I think we all know the answer to that. 

Vegan cinnamon swirl bread

Fashion was never my high point. This is why I do not run a style blog, nor do I think my OOTD’s are by any means a reasonable punishment for all of the evils in this world. That would just be cruel and unusual.

In recent years, as I have attended a school which requires uniforms, my fashion sense has declined even more, until it got to the point where if I was not wearing my crotchety old buttoned-up uniform, I was in sweatpants and a hoodie. Which isn’t such a bad thing if most of your out-of-school interactions take place across the internet.