Wednesday, May 28, 2014

{Salted} dark chocolate Oreo-stuffed **white** chocolate chip cookie bars with coconut red velvet cheesecake swirls, {walnut} streusel, and *salty* caramelized ~drizzle~, plus sprinkles! #fmlfridays #cookingwithrandomshit #sponserd

These decadent indulgent delicious treats are sure to expand your waistline but they sure don’t taste skinny! They are filled with fresh delicious chocolate and canned pie filling, and taste exactly like the crumbs at the bottom of the cereal box. They are probably the best recipe you’ve never made. It’s a transcendent experience. Like watching Terminator 2 with no pants on and a ketchup stain on your white shirt. Or Cheeto dust. Fuck. I don’t even know.

*Heavy breathing*


#yum

*Heavy, sensual breathing continues*

#pinthisifyoulovefood #remembertofollowifyoulikeoxygen #mondayssuckamirite #butyoucanstillsharethisonfacebook

*Heavy breathing intensifies*

Hi, friends! :) <--that means I am saying this in a positive, happy way

I have no anecdotes about going for a two mile walk or farting in the middle of taking a shit, so I’ll just talk about this brilliant earth-shaking concoction for a few sentences—is that okay?

That was a rhetorical question. Goddamn basic bitches and their anonymous keyboards. 

I love haters, they kind of validate my existence I think!

Let’s start with the basics.

First of all, let me Google that for you.

Wait; that would deprive me of page views, so I’ll just proceed with my self-published professionally-scripted cooking show for now.

Keep scrolling motherfucker.

Okay. Do you know how to measure flour correctly? Basic bitches don’t even know how to measure flour. Well here, you dumb fuck, I’ll show you. You fucking measure the flour, that’s how.

There you go. source

Utter.

Complete.

Mindfuck.

Bitch.

I had to stand on a fucking chair to get this totes gorge shot. You better fucking like it.

The next step towards Nirvana is thus. 

Buy a ticket to a rock concert.

Now that you are a certified expert in measuring crack flour, we can move onto creaming butter and sugar. It’s soooooooooooooooooo

source

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo easy, that you could do it in a cave during the Jurassic period with only a fern and the dried-up molt of an oversized arachnid. First put your soft butter in the KitchenAid—wait. Hold the fuck up. You sure you softened that damn butter correctly?

Well let me tell you.

This is how you soften butter.

Now it's time to break out the blowtorches. source

In case that wasn’t crystal clear enough, I am telling you to break out the {blowtorches}. And soften the {butter} with them. Done, done, and done. Gah!

I can’t deal with this.

Remember to pin, like, share, favorite, and RT, ASAP, girlfriend! ;) <--that means I am saying this in the same way someone might say something when they might wink when they might be kind of sneaky-like? Gah writing is hard.

Onto the next step.

Um, I believe I was talking about creaming butter and sugar before I sidetracked into another *extremely detailed* tutorial. I’m sorry; I can’t help my inherent goodness and helpfulness. {Tee hee!} So to cream butter and sugar—as I was saying, it’s super easy. Yeah. You just, you know, put the butter and sugar in the KitchenAid and whip that bitch like—hold the fuck up. I just mentioned a brand. Without a sponsorship.


**Hail cookie bar**

So you, yeah. You cream the butter and sugar. It’s simple! So get out that arachnid molt and dance!

Aaaaand it's ready to eat! source

#nailedit #blessed #foodblahginftw :/ <--this is to show how I am unsure of whether or not I like hashtags; on one hand I like attention, but on the other I don’t want to seem tacky for embracing the infamously irritating pound symbol

But if you fancy, you can treat yo self to another couple ingredients.

Like {Oreos}.

Get that shit in my belly, if you know what I mean sistah. :) <--this is to show that I am proud to be a woman of the street, and by street I mean suburban neighborhood with no sidewalks

YOU HEAR ME? GET IN MY BELLY!!!

But before *we* begin, I have to explain why I put certain ingredients in here. Otherwise you might get confused and not include them! For some reason! I don’t know why, but you might be a dumbass who can’t follow recipes! So here *we* go!

Eggs! There aren’t any eggs in this recipe (there is tofu tho) but let me tell you, that egg is important. It is the most importantest egg of all the eggs that ever egged. Do NOT leave it out—okay, let me repeat that. Do NOT leave that egg out of this recipe. Armageddon will ensue if you do. 

Crack egg like so. source

Another important ingredient is {flour}. Just trust me when I say this. The science behind it is, mommy said so. Mommy said the flour was important, so you had better put in that flour. Don’t be a dumbass.

Look how good they come out with flour in them!

For fuck’s sake, this is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too complicated.

Should’ve used a cake mix.

But never mind.

My brain goes all whack like that sometimes.

I’m just **so** {quirky} lyke dis!

You go girl! Show ‘em haters how it’s done!

Oh, and one moar thing before I launch into my beautiful amazing gorgeous Pinterest-worthy Foodgawker-ready recipe!

Thanks to my own generosity and ability to nab sponsorship offers, I have a thousand dollar K-mart gift card and a set of engraved oatmeal spoons to offer to one lucky reader!

Oh, and a little baggie of granola too. 

You know you want it. source

About a dozen of these. Not sure what it says, because seriously, fuck reading. source

So many things to buy!!! source

To enter, just type in your email address, your daytime phone number, your social security number, your Facebook password, and your second cousin’s most recent address—and remember, in order to complete your entry, you have to be my {personal escort} for a minimum of twenty-three hours. The twenty-fourth hour is for mowing my hundred-acre suburban lawn.

Thanks so much!

Y’all will love this shit.

#foodporn

Keep scrolling you sad, sad little bitch.

_________________

Salted dark chocolate Oreo-stuffed white chocolate chip cookie bars with coconut red velvet cheesecake swirls, walnut streusel, and salty caramelized drizzle, plus sprinkles

Makes a thousand servings

Ingredients

Salted dark chocolate Oreo-stuffed white chocolate chip cookie bars (adapted from All Recipes)

264 grams ● Earth Balance, softened ● 1 cup

300 grams ● granulated sugar ● 1 ½ cups

62 grams ● silken tofu, blended until smooth ● ¼ cup

8 grams ● vanilla extract ● 2 teaspoon

240 grams ● flour ● 2 cup

58 grams ● dark chocolate cocoa powder ● 2/3 cup

3 grams ● baking soda ● 1 scant teaspoon

2 grams ● salt ● ¼ teaspoon

336 grams ● nondairy white chocolate chips ● 2 cups

96 grams ● rainbow sprinkles (vegan if desired) ● ½ cup

1 box Oreo cookies

Walnut streusel

58 grams ● walnuts, chopped ● ½ cup

110 grams ● brown sugar ● ½ cup, packed

113 grams ● Earth Balance, softened ● ½ cup

42 grams ● flour ● 1/3 cup

Coconut red velvet cheesecake swirls (adapted from Minimalist Baker)

2 grams ● coconut flavoring/extract ● ½ teaspoon

106 grams ● cashews, soaked for about four hours and drained ● ¾ cup

28 grams ● lemon juice ● scant 2 tablespoons

36 grams ● coconut oil, melted and slightly cooled ● 2 tablespoons plus 2 teaspoons

75 grams ● full fat coconut milk ● ¼ cup plus 1 tablespoon

80 grams ● maple syrup ● ¼ cup

30 grams ● shredded coconut ● ¼ cup plus 2 tablespoons

Red food coloring

Salty caramelized drizzle (from Vegan Baking)

100 grams ● coconut cream (thick cream that’s been skimmed off the top of a can of refrigerated coconut 
milk), room temperature ● ½ cup

200 grams ● sugar ● 1 cup

1 gram ● salt ● ¼ teaspoon

Fleur de sel, as needed

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Line a 9 x 13 pan with parchment paper.

Place softened Earth Balance in the bowl of an electric mixer with sugar. That’s the amounts under “salted dark chocolate Oreo-stuffed white chocolate chip cookie bars”, mind you. Beat until light and fluffy—that’s creaming, bitch, you know that? Add blended silken tofu and vanilla.

In a separate bowl, sift together flour, cocoa powder, baking soda, and salt. Slowly add to electric mixer under a dough begins to form. Fold in white chocolate chips and rainbow sprinkles.

Spread the dough over the baking pan in a nice flat layer, just like how your stomach will be after making this. Toss a bunch of Oreos over the top in even columns and rows, arranged to minimize Oreo-less space. Or not. Use the whole box. Or not. I don’t know; what am I, a recipe developer?

To make streusel, combine walnuts, flour, and sugar. Add butter and combine with your fingers until it is evenly distributed throughout the mixture. Sprinkle over Oreos. Gah. Get in my belly. But first you have to bake it for, I don’t know, 20 to 25 minutes or so. If it don’t come out it’s yo own fault, bitch.

While that thing is partying it up in the oven, stick the soft, bloated cashews in your food processer and blend ‘em up until they is nice and smooth. Add the rest of the ingredients under “coconut cheesecake swirls” and blitz even more until you have a beautiful totes gorge cheesecake. Well, not quite yet. There is more shit to do.

Divide the cheesecake batter into two bowls and add a few drops of blood to one and some red food coloring to the other. Actually, don’t add the blood. Stir and stir until you have nice red velvety cheesecake on one hand and ugly non-velvety cheesecake on the other.

Once the cookies with Oreos and streusel and shit are done and have cooled for half an hour, dump the two bowls of cheesecake on top and swirl around. Ooo-la-la. But wait, you have to let it sit in the refrigerator for about four hours.

In the meantime, make the salty caramelized drizzle sauce. Place the sugar in a medium, heavy duty saucepan, preferably a saucepan purchased from [YOUR BRAND HERE ONLY $3,000] over high heat, stirring constantly with a wooden spoon. When the sugar begins to melt, lower the heat to low, continuing to stir until the mixture reaches 340 degrees F. That’s pretty fucking hot. Slowly pour in coconut cream while stirring. Allow mixture to come to a boil until it reaches that glorious caramelized color. Remove from heat, stir in salt, and don’t even think of tasting the drizzle sauce until it is totally cooled.

Remove the original cookie-containing pan from the refrigerator and drizzle the cooled drizzle over top—yeah, drizzlin’ like a boss. All day every day. Pour it up like the hedonistic government-hating Fountainhead-reading punk rocker you are on the inside. Sprinkle fleur de sel on top of everything because, #YOLO. Slice into approximately a thousand pieces and serve.
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Check it out! All-new photo right here!

Your kids will *love* this stuff! You could even add this to your weekly dinner rotation! They’ll be going back for seconds and thirds and fourths and—oh my, they’ll become the best gosh-darn eaters you ever did see! Plus it’s 100% and ready for bikini season!

Although I don’t wear bikinis, because I’m not a fat whore who is always parading around in underwear. :/ <--this is to show my modesty

But even if you’re not wearing a bikini, you should probably still be ready for bikini season because you never know when you’ll want to enter a bikini competition. It’s best to always be ready!

Wait, why am I mentioning this in a completed unrelated context? I have no idea. I’m just blathering at this point. So here are some recipes I have made in the past—click on them, give a girl some pageviews (i.e. my life source)! :) <--this is to show my happiness and positivity and likeable personality


Click here for some boss-ass cupcakes! They’re da best. 


Mmm, baby, those cookies look abso-fucking-lutely scrumptious! Click on it!


One last link, y’all. Cherry cola pancakes. Make ‘em for your sweetheart. Or I don’t really care—I just want pageview$. Who doesn’t?

Remember to like, share, pin, email, save for later, and plaster this motherfucker all over your shoulder blades with a temporary tattoo like a true fan would ! <3

– June Baby; your favorite food blogger, opinions always for sale :)

2 comments:

  1. hahahha!!!!! This post is super coool!!!! So so funnny! especially the giveaway thing!!! I think I just fell off my chair laughing! :D These oreo bars look amazing! Guess I'll have to get my blowtorch out to soften the butter! :D ;)

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    Replies
    1. Yay I'm happy to hear you like it! :)

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