Hey y’all! Long time no see! No worries, I’m back to torture you with more odd-looking breakfast food and gory butchering of the English language. Hide yo wife and hide yo kids, cos June is here to stay.
|Oh noes indeed. source|
Clearly, I haven’t been on my game lately. Not that I’ve ever been on my game. But more radically so in recent days, which I can of course blame on four factors:
1) The goddamn oven broke.
2) Being rather sick.
Number one is self-explanatory: after coming home from vacation, how delighted were we to see that oh joy, the oven won’t work anymore! Which means I have to do all of my zucchini bread-making in the toaster oven! Wow! Yay!
I know, a first world problem right up there with spotty airplane Wi-Fi and stolen ponies, but a problem nonetheless, especially when you have [redacted] pounds of zucchini to deal with in the form of quick bread (“redacted” so you do not have to suffer secondhand squash-induced panic attacks).
Number two involved lots of nose-blowing and almost-fainting when trying to brush one’s hair. Have you ever almost fainted while brushing your hair? I had not, until yesterday.
In fact, the past few days—since we got home from vacation—have been just delightful in my family, with all four of us catching fevers and coughing incessantly and snotted-on tissues falling from the sky. It’s really great, living in a Petri dish.
I’ll get to number three next post.
Number four is, by far, the most joyful and warm and fuzzy item on this list. A sign of success, perhaps. My current novel-in-progress has been going extraordinarily well—for me, anyway, since I’ve mostly been a writing failure over the course of my short and sad life.
Which has left me with only a few writing neurons left in my brain to dedicate to a blog post…so, um, yeah, whatever.
|Nor any neurons left to decipher what this is.|
Going to stop trying now and just tell you what the recipe is today.
Basically, it’s like, tiramisu, but pancakes.
|PLEASE JUNE source|
I got the idea when, in the comments of the Boston cream pie pancakes post, Rachel mentioned tiramisu…which obviously made me think of pancakes, not actual, authentic tiramisu, because my mind works in strange and mysterious ways like that.
You see, my mother (the same one who eats half a banana) likes to make this tiramisu recipe which calls for Cool Whip and instant pudding mix and Kahlua, and yes it is a hit at parties, so my perception of this dessert has largely been influenced by that. Vanilla pudding. Coffee-flavored sugary shit. A sprinklin’ of cocoa powder. What’s not to love (hint: nothing)?
As such, you will see three main components in here:
1) Vanilla pancakes.
2) Gooey ooey vanilla pudding.
3) This dangerously addictive espresso sauce.
I cannot emphasize enough how dangerous and potentially life-threatening that espresso sauce is. You think salted caramel is addictive? That’s cute. Try adding coffee.
Although I will admit that yes, my cocoa powder sprinklin’ skills are somewhat subpar. I blame this on my alarming sense of complacency and idiotic use of a fork instead of a sieve to complete the act of sprinklin’, which made it not as pretty-like as I would have hoped.
But whatever. Doesn’t matter; had pancakes.
Vegan tiramisu pancakes
Makes one serving pancakes, plus extra toppings
Pancake batter (adapted from my mint chocolate chip pancakes
62 grams • white whole wheat flour • ½ cup
4 grams • baking powder • 1 scant teaspoon
1 gram • salt • 1/8 teaspoon
15 grams • brown sugar • 1 heaping tablespoon
61 grams • nondairy milk • ¼ cup plus 3 tablespoons
3 grams • apple cider vinegar • ½ teaspoon
7 grams • oil of choice • ½ tablespoon
6 grams • vanilla extract • ½ tablespoon
Vanilla filling (adapted from Hell Yeah It’s Vegan)
12 grams • cornstarch • 1 ½ tablespoons
305 grams • nondairy milk • 1 ¼ cups
67 grams • granulated sugar • 1/3 cup
13 grams • Earth Balance • 1 tablespoon
4 grams • vanilla extract • 1 teaspoon
Coffee syrup (adapted from Food.com)
60 grams • coconut milk, full-fat and at room temperature • ¼ cup
8 grams • instant espresso powder (use less for a less intense flavor) • 1 tablespoon
75 grams • granulated sugar • ¼ cup plus 2 tablespoons
7 grams • water • ½ tablespoon
20 grams • vegan margarine, room temperature • 1 ½ tablespoons
2 grams • salt • ¼ heaping teaspoon
Coconut whipped cream (optional)
In a small bowl, whisk together ¼ cup nondairy milk and cornstarch, using amounts under “vanilla filling”. Set aside. In a medium saucepan over medium-low heat, whisk remaining nondairy milk and sugar, heating until it begins to steam. Add cornstarch mixture at this point. Stirring occasionally, cook until mixture begins to thicken and barely reaches a boil, about four to five minutes. Turn down heat to very low and cook another three to four minutes, stirring occasionally until thick. Remove from heat and add butter and vanilla. Refrigerate in the meantime.
To make coffee sauce, start by combining coconut milk and espresso powder. Whisk until espresso dissolves.
In a small heavy-bottomed saucepan, combine sugar and water over medium high heat. Bring to a boil, then cook undisturbed for about 3 to 5 minutes until amber in color. Remove from heat and immediately add margarine. Whisk in cream mixture and salt until smooth. Let cool before using.
To make pancakes, whisk together dry ingredients. Fold in wet just until combined. Fry on a pre-heated pan until little bubbles begin to form around the edges of the pancake, then flipping and cooking all the way through. Serve with vanilla filling, coffee glaze, cocoa powder, and whipped cream. Nosh.
|Floating in a vast, featureless void of my own visceral fat.|
If you choose to make this, you may find that there are lumps in your pudding. That’s okay. Sift it out. There may also be lumps in your caramel. That’s also okay. You can also sift it out. Also, you may feel slightly homicidal towards me while doing these things, but that’s okay. Please consult a doctor before making any changes to your diet or exercise routine.
Um. I need to sign off now, before I start trash-talking President Putin and end up getting myself knifed in the back by a rouge lifestyle-blogging Jedi. Back to binge-writing.