Vegan blueberry muffins with cinnamon pecan streusel

I’m an indecisive person. Thankfully my life isn’t wracked with life-or-death decisions like, say, should we bomb Syria, or if we should go to Dunkin Donuts or Starbucks (the last one is up to my mom and her credit card). But lately, I’ve been thinking about decisions. Things I’m not certain about.

Turns out, I’m not certain about much. A list, for your enjoyment:

Things June is not certain about

1. Lists
2. If a true vacation really exists
3. The price of tea in China
4. The laxative effect of coffee
5. Coffee vs. tea
6. Iced coffee vs. iced tea
7. Latte vs. cappuccino
8. If it’s really worth the loss of dignity to get cookie dough-flavored syrup in one’s coffee
9. If an iced latte really exists
10. Non-alcoholic Irish cream coffee
11. Whether I should have breakfast food or regular food in the morning
12. If Kanye West really exists
13. If President Obama really exists
14. Waffle machines
15. Fat-free yogurt
16. Smoothies
17. Green smoothies
18. Green juice
19. Any kind of juice
20. If Lipton really is tea
21. If British folks are okay with me drinking Lipton
22. Whether I care if British folks are okay with me drinking Lipton
23. If I should make a sandwich now
24. Bottled salad dressing
25. Hot sauce on chocolate cake
26. Any kind of hot sauce outside of Frank’s Red Hot
27. Sriracha, mostly
28. The quality of food at Chipotle
29. The quality of vegetarian food at Chipotle
30. If ordering diet soda at Chipotle alongside your burrito, bucket-o-chips and a cookie really means you are on a diet
31. If diet soda really exists
32. If I should text someone or lounge around by myself all day
33. Being by oneself vs. being alone
34. Being anti-social vs. anti-idiot
35. Whether people who say “I’m not anti-social, I’m anti-idiot” are actually idiots themselves
36. If idiots really exist
37. If Beyonce really exists
38. Reddit
39. Facebook
40. Social media in general
41. If people who have a lot of followers on Twitter are “successful” according to the modern definition
42. If getting a certain number of likes on your selfie means you are “famous”
43. If the proportion of ass-kissers to genuine fans is relative to one’s fame
44. Fame itself
45. Whether telling people how much I love Sia is going against her wish to not become famous
46. Adele vs. Sia
47. If Sia is sort of like Amy Winehouse or is that just me
48. The amount of sentences I end with the phrase “or is that just me”
49. If “corporate” is a portmanteau of “core” and “hypocrite”
50. If anyone is actually going to read this dumb list
51. If Homer really existed
52. Life
53. Religion
54. The pursuit of happiness
55. The pursuit of half-assed contentment with one’s own misery
56. If Shakespeare really meant to say “To be or to not be”
57. If anyone really gives a shit about split infinitives
58. If Shakespeare gave a shit about split infinitives
59. If Shakespeare invented the rule of split infinitives
60. If Shakespeare predicted that one day one of his plays would be modernized in a film starring Leonardo DiCaprio
61. If knowing this would cause him to fanboy wildly
62. If everyone is actually smarter than me but isn’t letting me in on it
63. Conspiracy theories
64. If hackers are watching me make funny faces into my webcam
65. If the government is watching me make funny faces into my webcam
66. If the president knows I exist
67. Sexual innuendo
68. Most jokes, really
69. Lemme say it again: sexual innuendo
70. Whether people laugh at my jokes because they feel sorry for me or because people tend to coincidently suffer seizures as I tell jokes
71. If white people actually think white people jokes are funny or just laugh because they’re awkward white people
72. If separating one’s light and dark clothes in the washing machine is segregation
73. If racist and / or prejudiced people are just insecure or have small dicks
74. If skirts were invented to make sure women weren’t always kicking men in the soft spot
75. If some animals can chew gum
76. If the Catholic Pope is totally just trolling us by now
77. Muffins
78. If anyone is still reading this stupid list
79. If this list is high-quality enough to make it onto the prestigious publication that is Buzzfeed
80. The health benefits of muffins
81. How English people feel about American muffins
82. American muffins vs. English muffins
83. If American muffins and English muffins are really the same thing, since you cut both of them in half, toast them, and slather them in butter, which is really all that matters
84. If blueberry muffins really are the best kind of muffin

Wait. Scratch that last one. Because they totally are.

Fo sho.

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Blueberry muffins with cinnamon pecan streusel

Makes 14 muffins

Ingredients

Streusel

100 grams • light or dark brown sugar • ½ cup, packed

67 grams • pecans, chopped (or other nut) • ½ cup

3 grams • cinnamon • 1 teaspoon

Muffins

113 grams • margarine, softened (try substituting some coconut oil) • ½ cup

100 grams • granulated sugar • ½ cup

50 grams • light brown sugar, packed • ¼ cup

115 grams • bananas, mashed • ½ cup

120 grams • silken tofu, blended until smooth • ½ cup

8 grams • vanilla extract • 2 teaspoons

4 grams • lemon zest, finely chopped • 1 tablespoon

220 grams • all-purpose flour (can substitute up to half white whole wheat) • 1 ¾ cups

4 grams • baking soda • 1 teaspoon

5 grams • baking powder • 1 teaspoon

3 grams • salt • ½ teaspoon

60 grams • nondairy milk • ¼ cup

250 grams • fresh blueberries • 1 ½ cups

Instructions

Start by preheating oven to 425 degrees F and greasing 14 medium muffin tins. Set aside.

To make streusel, simply combine all ingredients in a bowl.

To make muffins, place margarine (and / or coconut oil) in the bowl of an electric stand mixer and beat until light and fluffy. Add sugars and cream until lightened in color and fluffy once again. Add bananas, tofu, lemon zest, and vanilla and combine.

In a separate bowl, whisk together all-purpose flour, baking soda, baking powder, and salt. Slowly add to batter with mixer on low, alternating with nondairy milk. Fold in blueberries.

I didn’t do this step, but you can try it if you like: scoop batter into muffin tins by the tablespoon, alternating with a scoop of streusel. Fill the muffin tins to the top.

Bake for 5 minutes at 425 degrees F, then lower temperature to 350 degrees F and bake for about 18 to 20 more minutes. You may want to bake for less time if your oven doesn’t lower its temperature very well, like mine (which is why my muffins are, um, sort of burnt). Let cool for about 5 minutes before transferring to a wire rack. Nosh.

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And most importantly, muffins with streusel are always the best kind of muffin. Especially if they are homemade. And filled with fresh fruit. And vegan. And warm and buttery straight out of the oven.

DAT STREUSEL DOE

I’m certain about that.