The vegan Elvis sandwich

Hey folks! All negative four of you! Are you a human being? Have you been reading my shitty little blog? If so, you may have deduced a curious and suspicion-raising pattern—

¡ veganism !

Cue Jaws theme song.

All of the recipes I have posted thus far are completely free of animal products, and as such it is a completely reasonable to make the assumption that I, Baby June, am a vegan myself. If you made that assumption, congratulations. You possess the power of logic.

But that assumption is incorrect.

I am not a vegan.

Cue Jaws theme song, again.

I have, however, made an outright statement that I am underage. Therefore, I am financially dependent on my parents and can’t very well go out and buy myself a hummus wrap—partly due to my lack of money, partly due to that fact that because we are stereotypical suburbanites, it is quite difficult to get to a supermarket without a car. In these exotic parts, driver’s license + money = freedom. Or at least self-sufficiency.

And as such I am forced to depend on my parents for all of my basic needs, from food to shelter to food—and hot damn, my parents do not support veganism one bit. Not even vegetarianism. Admittedly, my mother buys soy milk for the protein content and will occasionally allow me a bag of those magical chia seeds from Trader Joe’s (as she sometimes puts those in her morning oatmeal). But ask for a block of tofu, and I will be on my knees begging before my wish is granted. Let us avoid the subject of nutritional yeast—or *gasp* processed substitutes—in this post so your appetite remains intact. 

Meh. I didn't want a Tofurky roast anyway.

That said, I do make an effort to eat as few animal products as possible. As the weather slowly begins to warm up, I have returned to my glorious hummus-sriracha salads, which may or may not be topped with a bit of feta, and I often like to partake in an accidentally vegan PB&J.

I did eat some bacon recently. I am so sorry. 

I'M SORRY, OH MY GOD I'M SO SORRY

So if I do not eat a 100% vegan diet, why have I been posting vegan recipes? Simply because veganism is better for the environment. By eating as few animal products as possible, it is possible to reduce one’s environmental impact and save oft-abused natural resources for the rest of the planet to enjoy.

This is due to a basic tenant of ecology called the ten percent law. Inherent in natural ecosystems is a gap in energy between trophic levels, from primary producers (photosynthesizing organisms, usually from the kingdom Plantae) to primary consumers (herbivores) to secondary and tertiary consumers (omnivores and carnivores). Only about ten percent of the energy present at one trophic level is stored as flesh in the next trophic level. The other ninety percent is lost during transfer and is rendered unusable by the next trophic level. Therefore, more total energy is needed to create flesh at higher trophic levels.

I am not sure how widespread this knowledge is, but it sure makes a great case for veganism. A vegan diet excludes all food except for the lowest trophic level—producers. Less natural resources, from water to food to electricity, are needed to raise and harvest these low-level organisms. In a world where global warming is upon us, man’s destruction of the wild is widespread, and our resources are running low, we need to make the most out of what energy we have. Eating animal products—even those that do not call for the murder of an animal, like cheese or eggs—is not the way to do that. This is why I support the vegan diet.

Now, I have told my family this, and still they have resisted. I have a choice. Do I refuse to eat animal products even if I anger my parents and risk not getting enough sustenance (since I don’t have a lot of options as a kid), or do I eat a bit of cheese and egg (and flesh) here and there simply because it is easier? Sadly, thin-skinned June Baby has chosen the latter. But if you are an autonomous adult with options, I urge you to try veganism. For the planet.

I will join you when I turn eighteen.

Until then, I have persuaded my mother to cart me over to Whole Foods and buy some strange ingredients to create this delicious, nutritious, environmentally friendly PB & Elvis. Like coconut chips. What the fuck is that? Who knew you could make bacon out of coconut? You can make literally everything out of coconut, and that is one apt usage of the word “literally”. 

Dat peanut butter doe.

What I have here is not so much a recipe as much as it is an arrangement of ingredients. If you happen to have a better vegan banana bread recipe, or if you would prefer to purchase pre-made jam rather than make it from scratch, by all means follow your heart’s desires and do it. No matter what path you chose, be sure the journey ends with a delicious sandwich.

Seriously, though. This PB & J…& B & B kicks some carnivorous ass.

_____________________

The vegan Elvis sandwich

Makes 6 large servings

____________________

Favorite banana bread (from Post Punk Kitchen)

Ingredients

110 grams • brown sugar • ½ cup, packed

100 grams • white sugar • ½ cup

113 grams • Earth Balance (or other vegan buttery spread) • ½ cup

355 grams • banana, mashed • 3 medium

250 grams • all-purpose flour (feel free to substitute half whole wheat, which I did) • 2 cups

2 grams • baking soda • ½ teaspoon

61 grams • soy milk • ¼ cup

5 grams • apple cider vinegar • 1 teaspoon

4 grams • vanilla extract • 1 teaspoon

3 grams • cinnamon • 1 teaspoon

1 gram • allspice • ¼ teaspoon

3 grams • salt • ½ teaspoon

Directions

Head on over to Post Punk Kitchen to get the instructions. Be— sure to mix the soy milk with the apple cider vinegar before beginning, as I omitted that part in the ingredients list to maintain the format. Was thinking about adding all kinds of interesting frills cinnamon swirls, chocolate chips, peanut butter, bacon bits—but I didn’t. If you so please, go right ahead and indulge your inner hedonist.

Allow to cool completely before slicing to make the sandwich. If you have the willpower, that is.

_____________________

Cherry chia jam (adapted from Cookie + Katie)

Ingredients

340 grams • frozen cherries • 12 ounces

40 grams • maple syrup or agave nectar • 2 tablespoons

22 grams • chia seeds • 1 1/2 tablespoons

1 gram • almond extract • ¼ teaspoon

Directions

Once again, I must admit I feel obligated to send you over to another blog to fetch the instructions. Follow steps one and two, then stop…unless you want to have some oatmeal as well. Make sure you substitute the cherries for strawberries, use maple syrup or agave instead of honey, and stir in almond extract at the end. If you are in a boozy mood, you can use a half tablespoon of amaretto instead of the almond extract. No pressure.

______________________

Vegan coconut bacon (from Fettle Vegan)

Ingredients

210 grams • flaked coconut (the large chunks that look like chips) • 3 ½ cups

27 grams • liquid smoke • 2 tablespoons

16 grams • soy sauce • 1 tablespoon

20 grams • maple syrup • 1 tablespoon

15 grams • water • 1 tablespoon

Directions

I swear this is the last time (this post anyway)…click over to Fettle Vegan and get the legendary amazing recipe and follow the instructions and then come back here once you’re done. Please don’t hate me.

___________________

Assembly

Ingredients

Banana bread

A few tablespoons of chia jam

Handful of coconut bacon

Couple tablespoons of peanut butter

Vegan butter

Directions

Cut two slices of banana bread with a sharp and clean knife. Spread peanut butter on each slice, then top with chia jam and coconut bacon. Smush each half together.

Swirl vegan butter around in a preheated frying pan. Toast the sandwich on each side, pressing down with the spatula to make it nice and Panini-like. Cut in half diagonally (yes diagonally because I said so) and nosh. Tall glass of soy milk optional.

______________________________

Sandwiches like these really are what make the world go round. They’re simple enough that a five-year-old could make them, and delicious as fuck. 

Might not be pretty, but trust me.

And to paraphrase that faux butter brand, by the time you finish this sandwich I guarantee you will be exclaiming, “I can’t believe it’s not meat!” Or “I can’t believe it is free of animal products!” Or “I can’t believe I am conserving the environment by taking advantage of the ten percent law and refraining from eating organisms and their excretions above the first trophic level of an ecosystem!” 

Whatever, Baby June.