Fashion was never my high point. This is why I do not run a style blog, nor do I think my OOTD’s are by any means a reasonable punishment for all of the evils in this world. That would just be cruel and unusual.
In recent years, as I have attended a school which requires uniforms, my fashion sense has declined even more, until it got to the point where if I was not wearing my crotchety old buttoned-up uniform, I was in sweatpants and a hoodie. Which isn’t such a bad thing if most of your out-of-school interactions take place across the internet.
But not for long. Next year, I am transferring to a private school, cuz, you know, the rigurus curikulm. Jun needz moar hrdr werk. So smrt.
And you know what they have in private schools.
|Okay...maybe not quite like that. source|
Even though we’re already shelling out an arm and a leg and a half for books and shit, there’s something to be said for one’s attire as a way of preventing myself from getting eaten up by all of the rich kids. There is a dress code, first of all, and I’m not sure cotton t-shirts from the latest 5K’s in the area are quite good enough. And corduroy pants…no.
Basically, all of the frumpy stuff is out. Which is a tragedy.
So the other day, we went out and bought some—wait for it—skirts. Yes, skirts. At this ever-so-glamorous boutique called “Kohl’s”.
|HOLY FUCK JUNE YOU DID?!?|
There are some benefits to wearing skirts, the foremost being that it is a great way to hide one’s flubbishness. Pounds upon pounds of buttercream can also be concealed beneath the humble swaths of fabric—as I now know well. Skirts can maintain an adequate amount of frumpiness without sacrificing the ability to venture out in public and while upholding one’s dignity. You can’t say that about skinny jeans, now can you?
|It's basically a lifehack.|
Armed with this information, I was determined to locate the best and brightest skirts in the whole store—and damn if I didn’t do just that. I don’t think anyone’s going to be able to take their eyes off my lower half for the entire year.
|...and upper half.|
To hell with “putting together outfits”; everything goes with black, no? Easy as that.
|Did I do it? Did I fashun?|
On the other hand, I am almost morally troubled by wearing skirts. I like to think of myself as a feminist-in-training; a vigilante ready to burn the patriarchy from the top down, someone who wants to be taken seriously, goddamit.
But how can I be taken seriously if I’m in the kitchen all the time wearing a skirt? Does that not scream “future domestic engineer”?
That is a problem.
|I think a more important question is "Should you really be wearing a tye dye-esque skirt?"|
Or maybe I’m onto something. Maybe by owning the roles woman have traditionally taken, we can show that a woman can be a hell of a baker and a hell of a scientist at the same time. Not that I’m an, um, scientist. Though that would be nice.
And skirts are comfy. Like, way comfier than pants. I don’t think anybody likes pants.
|Unless you're this person. source|
Oh, and may I mention that this particular skirt includes a slit? A la Angelina Jolie?
|Yeah. I totally see it. source|
Well, Angelina Jolie isn’t real anyway. People like that can’t possibly be real.
But I will tell you what is real.
VEGAN. CINNAMON. SWIRL. BREAD.
Yes. I am on a serious bread “kick” right now (that’s what they call it, correct?) and today I present to you my third loaf of bread in less than two weeks. Unlike the other two, this is a classic (it is in America, anyway) you may have enjoyed before—perhaps from the supermarket or a local bakery—but you’ve probably never made it at home. And my god, it is fabulous. Not only does it smell amazing in the oven, but there really is nothing like a warm, buttery slice of bread oozing with cinnamon filling and sweet, yeasty carbs. It’s dangerous stuff.
Not thinking that, hey, there might be other variations of vegan cinnamon swirl bread on the interwebz, I decided to adapt Pioneer Woman’s recipe by using margarine (though I wish I had some Earth Balance or coconut oil) and bananas in the dough to replace their animal-dependant counterparts and using Post Punk Kitchen’s cool trick of brushing breads with a mixture of maple syrup and milk for a nice brown crust.
And what do you know? Came out flawlessly.
Cinnamon swirl bread
Makes one loaf
Adapted from Pioneer Woman
244 grams • nondairy milk • 1 cup
85 grams • vegan buttery spread • 6 tablespoons
7 grams • active dry yeast • 2 ½ teaspoons
112 grams • banana, mashed • ½ cup
67 grams • granulated sugar • 1/3 cup
437 grams • all-purpose flour • 3 ½ cups
6 grams • salt • 1 teaspoon
28 grams • vegan buttery spread, melted • 2 tablespoons
67 grams • granulated sugar • 1/3 cup
15 grams • cinnamon • 2 tablespoons
40 grams • maple syrup • 2 tablespoons
30 grams • nondairy milk • 2 tablespoons
Start by melting buttery spread with milk (amounts under “dough”, that is). Heat until very warm, but don’t boil. Allow to cool until still warm to the touch, but not hot, and sprinkle yeast over the top. Stir gently. Let sit for 10 minutes. In a separate bowl, whisk together flour and salt.
In the bowl of an electric stand mixer fitted with paddle attachment, combine sugar and banana. Pour in milk / butter / yeast mixture and combine. Add half the flour and beat on medium speed until mixed. Add other half and mix thoroughly.
Switch to dough hook attachment and knead dough on medium speed for ten minutes. If dough is too sticky, add 30 grams / ¼ cup more flour and beat again for five more minutes.
Place dough in a large, greased bowl and cover with plastic wrap or a tea cloth. Let rise in a warm place for at least two hours.
Once risen, turn dough out onto work surface and roll into a neat rectangle, no wider than the loaf pan you’re going to use, about 18 to 24 inches long. Smear 28 grams / 2 tablespoons melted vegan buttery spread over the dough. Combine sugar and cinnamon (amounts under “filling”) in a small bowl, then sprinkle evenly over butter. Roll dough towards you, keeping it nice and tight, and pinch seam to seal.
Place dough, seam down, in a greased loaf pan. Let rise for another two hours.
Now preheat oven to 350 degrees. Mix maple syrup and milk (amounts under “for brushing”) and brush over the top of the bread. Bake for about 40 minutes. Let cool for about ten minutes before removing from pan, and let cool completely before slicing—oh, who am I kidding? Have at it.
I will admit that I did accidentally poke the side of the bread with a knife when removing it from the pan, causing it to flop over a little bit. You can see this in the first picture of the post, as well as below.
|God damn, June, always messing shit up.|
So basically, don’t poke the side of the bread when it’s still hot. Even better, let it sit in the pan for about ten minutes or so until it is a slightly cooled before removing, which will help the loaf maintain its shape. I think. I’m no expert.
Sound hard? Don’t worry. This bread is no more difficult than making cinnamon rolls, and in fact I’d say it is easier because it doesn’t require cutting up individual pieces. Just roll it up nice—making sure to take your time—and plop it in the pan. Done, done, and done.
Put some coffee on while you’re waiting.