You know why this cake is a trifle? And not an ACTUAL GODDAMN LAYER CAKE?
The first entry I ever posted on this shitty blog would explain that for you. But because I am not interested in having any self-respecting readers schlep back through that verbal mess I produced back when I was
a wee babe a woefully inexperienced
and naïve blogger an idiot, I will just tell you that in the world of Baby
June, a failed cake = a future trifle. So my attempt to add blueberries to a
completely innocent vanilla cake resulted in a cake that was
undercooked in the center and burned on the outside. So what? Cut off the bad
parts; layer it in a trifle dish. No one will know.
As I was weeping over the failed recipe and another lost opportunity to try frosting a layer cake, I was thinking about, you know, all the shitty parts of food blogging. Food blogger probs. But as it turns out, there aren’t a whole lot of food blogger problem memes—I mean, *cough*, image macros—out there on the interwebs, so I decided to make some.
For your enjoyment, of course, and not my own masturbatory pleasure: here they are.
Photography is hard.
PHOTOGRAPHY IS HARD.
I have betrayed them. They will never forgive me for this.
But really. Why write a new recipe when there are plenty already on the internet? *pins another 2,000 muffins*
Experts say the optimal time to post is always the most inconvenient time to post.
To every recipe that does this: fuck you.
Foodgawker, let’s pretend I never said that.
Why must this always happen?! Why can’t the world just embrace my genius the way it is?
Liek if u cri evrytim June tries to optimize her engines.
C’mon, why can’t y’all just feed my inner attention whore? Goddamn haters.
Oh, and one snarky one.
Because that’s just basic.
Okay. I’m done with image macros. So....do you remember what this post was originally about, hmmm? A cake trifle? With blueberries and bananas and shit? Yeah.
|Wow I don't know what that is.|
This here dessert isn’t exactly the definition of food porn, I must admit. It’s messy, it’s unrefined, and it’s meant to be scooped out of the trifle bowl like some sort of savage. But there is no lack of taste in here. The cashew cheesecake cream is probably the best aspect of the whole dish, with a sweet, lemony flavor unparalleled even by its dairy-filled counterpart. Freshly picked blueberries and a hefty serving of lemon curd help too.
Oh, and might I add that when I served this to guests this past weekend, nobody knew it was made with cashews and coconut oil and other vegany ingredients? Yes. I will add that. And you will remember that as you observe this recipe.
Blueberry banana cake
Adapted from this fantabulous cake
352 grams • sifted all-purpose flour • 3 cups plus 1 tablespoon
14 grams • baking powder • 1 tablespoon
3 grams • salt • ½ teaspoon
113 grams • Earth Balance, softened • ½ cup
113 grams • coconut oil, softened • ½ cup
350 grams • granulated sugar • 1 ¾ cups
225 grams • mashed banana • 1 cup
8 grams • vanilla extract • 2 teaspoons
244 grams • nondairy milk • 1 cup
148 grams • fresh blueberries • 1 cup
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Grease two 8-inch round cake pans. Line bottoms with parchment paper—yes this is necessary.
In a medium bowl, sift or whisk together flour, baking powder, salt. In another small bowl, toss blueberries with 7 grams / one tablespoon flour. Set aside.
Place softened Earth Balance and coconut oil in the bowl of an electric stand mixer. Beat until soft and creamy. Gradually add sugar and cream until light and fluffy, about 3 to 5 minutes. Add bananas and beat well. Add in vanilla extract. With mixer on low speed, alternately add flour mixture in three additions and milk in two additions. Gently fold in blueberries.
Divide the batter between two prepared pans. Bake for about 25 to 33 minutes or until a toothpick inserted into the center of the cake comes out clean. Let cool for 10 minutes before removing from pan. Let cool completely before arranging trifle.
Adapted from Tasty Yummies
174 grams • cashews, soaked for six hours and drained • 1 ¼ cups
Zest of half a lemon
26 grams • liquid coconut oil • 2 tablespoons
60 grams • fresh lemon juice • ¼ cup
80 grams • maple syrup • ¼ cup
45 grams • water • 3 tablespoons
8 grams • vanilla extract • 2 teaspoons
1 can coconut milk, refrigerated overnight
Place cashews and lemon zest in a food processor (or powerful blender if you have one) and blend until as smooth as possible. Add remaining ingredients except for coconut milk and blend until smooth. Transfer mixture to a medium bowl.
Scoop the thickened part of the coconut milk into an electric stand mixer. Beat until light and fluffy. Dump into cashew mixture and fold gently. Set aside for later.
Adapted from these cupcakes
122 grams ● nondairy milk (I used soy) ● ½ cup
60 grams ● water ● ¼ cup
16 grams ● cornstarch ● 1 tablespoon
75 grams ● sugar ● ¼ cup plus 2 tablespoons
90 grams ● fresh lemon juice ● ¼ cup plus 2 tablespoons
2 grams ● lemon zest ● 1 teaspoon
71 grams ● Earth Balance or other vegan buttery spread ● 5 tablespoons
Whisk together nondairy milk, water, and cornstarch in a small saucepan over medium-high heat. Continuously stir the mixture. Add sugar, lemon juice, lemon zest, and vegan buttery spread and continue to cook until it is beginning to thicken and is bubbly. Whisk rapidly for about 90 seconds, then remove from heat and chill completely until needed.
1 recipe blueberry banana cake
1 recipe cheesecake filling
1 recipe lemon curd
Powdered sugar to taste
1 trifle bowl
Chop up cake into chunks. Layer some cake at the bottom of the trifle bowl, then smear on one-fourth of the cheesecake filling and lemon curd. Repeat until there is no more cake and filling left, being sure to finish with some cheesecake filling on top. Sprinkle with powdered sugar. Serve it up.
|My attempt at elegantly sifting powdered sugar atop blueberries.|
If you do chose to make this trifle, you are free to make any other blueberry cake besides the one I used here. It would actually be advisable, since the variation I tried was not exactly flawless. The most important part is the layering on of curd and cream and ew that sounds disturbing.
Excuse me...I must fetch my mind out of the gutter.