Vegan double chocolate zucchini bread

I was going to write a deep, introspective analysis of all the fuckery that’s been on the news lately when I sat down to write this blog post, but honestly, I’ve already changed my mind before I’ve even begun the second sentence. There’s not really much to say. You can understand.

Instead, I made you chocolate cake. 

Tastes like chocolate cake, anyway.

But I will make mention of Robin Williams’ death—about two weeks ago as of writing this—which has to be the least-politicized of talking points on the news lately. Just hear me out for a little bit, and I’ll try not to disappoint you.

Many fans of his have lamented his suicide as a tragedy, which it was. But—and let me say something a little less than politick-friendly—do we ever see such sympathy when ordinary civilians commit suicide? Shouldn’t we mourn these quiet deaths equally, as they mark a loss of potential and a failure to overcome depression and other mental illnesses?

It seems that whenever a celebrity dies of some self-induced cause (Philip Seymour-Hoffman and Whitney Houston, as recent examples) there is not only an outpouring of sadness but also a shit-ton of ignorant ranting about how “selfish” suicide is, or how it’s a “cowardly choice”, or how they should’ve just “gotten over it”. All part of the inevitable parade of opinions after such a tragedy.

Just think of how much worse this would be for someone who did not gain their own fan clubs and adoring crowds during their unfortunately abbreviated lives. Think of how much potential is lost when one of those ordinary, faceless people choses to die rather than continue living and pursuing their dreams. Maybe this person was an aspiring musician with brilliant ideas but a perennially unlucky career; maybe they were a writer whose genius was never seen by the right publisher or even the right reader. Now we will never know. That is a terrible, terrible loss. Tragedy knows no celebrity.

And then think of the turmoil inside their mind that leads them to self-destruct. Can you imagine what it takes to go against all of your evolutionary instincts and go in the face of death? That is courage. It is not cowardly in the slightest. You have only to ask the girl I met at the hospital, who witnessed a friend’s suicide and has been traumatized ever since, even driven to the brink of following in that friend’s footsteps. Did we hear about her friend’s death all over the news and on social media? No. But it is no less of a tragedy than the death of someone who already “made it” during their life.

Basically, what we need is not belittlement of those who experience suicidal thoughts, but empathy. Is that so hard?

And also: the folks who do belittle suicide can go fuck themselves...with a cactus.

Now I’ve forgotten what my point was. Excuse me. Something about “all men die as equals”. Is that a quote? It must be, because it’s goddamn right. But I'm not a professional quote maker, so don’t quote me. 

Here we have a specimen who does, in fact, produce high-quality quotes. source

At any rate, I hope you aren’t about to abandon ship after reading this trainwreck of an essay. I can only hope you will take this to heart and please, for all that is well and good in this world, remember those faceless victims just as well as those with celebrity.

It's important. source

In the meantime, I’ll be stress-eating the rest of this zucchini bread.

'Tis a specialized kind of therapy.

I was not originally intending to share this recipe (just as I did not intend to write that atrocity up there), but it was too good to keep it to myself. And that was a piece of absolute bullshit, since you can find the original recipe on King Arthur Flour’s website. But as a food blogger, I believe it is my duty to inform you of delicious recipes worthy of your precious time and zucchini; and as I have also made some alterations in the name of veganism, I have an excuse to plaster my own write-up on here alongside the pictures.

That’s how we do in the land of food blogging.

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Double chocolate zucchini bread

Makes one loaf

Adapted from King Arthur Flour

Ingredients

100 grams • mashed banana • ½ cup

108 grams • maple syrup • 1/3 cup

108 grams • olive oil • ½ cup

110 grams • brown sugar • ½ cup

4 grams • vanilla extract • 1 teaspoon

6 grams • salt • 1 teaspoon

2 grams • baking powder • ½ teaspoon

2 grams • baking soda • ½ teaspoon

2 grams • espresso powder • ½ teaspoon

25 grams • cocoa powder • 1/3 cup

208 grams • all-purpose flour • 1 2/3 cups

340 grams • shredded zucchini, lightly drained • 2 cups

168 grams • chocolate chips • 1 cup

Instructions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F and lightly grease a loaf pan.

In a large bowl, whisk banana, maple syrup, olive oil, brown sugar, and vanilla extract until smooth. Fold in salt, baking soda, baking powder, espresso powder, cocoa, and flour just until combined. Fold in zucchini and chocolate chips.

Pour batter into loaf pan and bake for about 65 to 75 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the center of the loaf comes out clean.

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Dat texture doe.

As you can see, this loaf is the perfect candidate for freeing you from all concerns in the realm of world affairs and celebrity suicide and all the Armageddon-esque disaster going on. Living in the suburbs with school just about to start and no access to a justice-making army, there’s not much I—or you, if we’re at all similar—can do about global affairs. Hope, it appears, is the only answer.

I know that this cake is my answer.