Vegan chocolate coconut zucchini cupcakes

Do you listen to pop radio? I certainly do. I’m no music connoisseur (aside from the heaps of classical pieces I’ve learned over the years), and while I do think that I have excellent taste (like every other person in the world) I am not above the Top 40 and such things.

Lately, I’ve been struck by more than a few songs playing on the “kids these days” stations. For example:

It’s the new song by Maroon 5, which embarrassingly enough happens to be the only major band I’ve ever seen live (in my defense, Kelly Clarkson was the opening act, making the whole thing worthwhile). But honestly, doesn’t anyone else get a stalker-ish vibe from this? The creepy, Autotuned-to-hell-and-back voice; the repetition of the lyric “the map that leads to you”...I think we should be more than a little concerned about it.

Anyone else not at all surprised that when a random white dude with a British accent and a big record deal comes out with one of those clichéd gospel-inspired tunes, it suddenly becomes mainstream as fuck? People love their British accents, I guess.

Unfortunate that they follow up “Am I wrong / for thinking that we could be something for real” with “yeah yeah yeah yeah”. Maybe it would’ve worked better with “nah nah nah nah” or something like that? (Nico & Vinz, if you’re listening, my number is ***-***-****. Open for consultations.)

I feel as though Colbie Caillat was making a genuine attempt to inspire us and make us feel all happy-crying and whatever, but to be honest, I am not impressed. I have never worn makeup outside of that gunky Halloween stuff (and thus have never taken it off or had any profound thoughts about the action), nor have I ever run the extra mile or bought random shit on my credit card (mostly because I don’t have a credit card). Her “not trying” is my version of “ready to meet the president”. Slack harder, Colbie, because you’re miles behind the rest of us.

It’s hard not to be suspicious of a pop star from the Disney (OKAY NOT DISNEY BUT THE SAME THING) factory, but damn. That high note. Can she really hit it, or is it all just some Autotune bullshit? Does anyone really know for sure? Most importantly, is she responsible for the hearing-related damages caused by amateurs trying to hit it as they sing along?

All I can say is YES YES YES YES YES!!! I swear, every time I hear her on the radio it makes me cry tears of happiness. Kind of. Or should I worry, since she doesn’t want to be famous and as such probably would not like being on the radio all the time? I don’t know. Just want to please the Great and Almighty Sia.

Frankly, I think Calvin Harris should stick to DJ-ing or whatever it is he does, because his voice is creepy as hell. Almost as creepy as that Maps song.

Also that music video is shit. 

Okay, is anyone else super prejudiced and close-minded like me and surprised that Jess Glynne is actually a very pale redhead? Thank god she’s still in R&B, because that is where great voices belong. In my opinion, anyway. Aaaaand now I’m dancing alone in my bedroom please avert your eyes.

Jason Derulo, you suck.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

So let’s put that shithole of a list behind us and get this cupcake party started! Woot woot!

Wow I'm so excited I'm like gonna pee or something.

Today I have for you the recipe I taunted you with last post. Now, based on the title, you may be thinking this is like exactly the same thing as those lavender cupcakes I posted a few days ago. But it is not. They are actually quite different, as you will see:

1) These cupcakes are actual cakes this time, not glorified brownies; and as such they have a more cake-like texture.

2) There’s coconut.

3) ????

4) Profit!

Blame my mother. Whenever I make something that does not incorporate zucchini (e.g. that cookie dough ice cream cake, which, OMG), she turns an ice-cold shoulder towards me and threatens to turn off the internet, the former of which is okay but the latter is something I just CANNOT ALLOW TO HAPPEN NONONONO.

Please accept my apologies for shouting. It’s just...I’m sick of zucchini. You must be sick of zucchini. We’re all sick of zucchini, goddamit, and there’s not really much we can do about it.

Only together shall we survive these trying times.

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Chocolate coconut zucchini cupcakes

Adapted from Two Peas and Their Pod

Ingredients

312 grams • all-purpose flour • 2 ½ cups

60 grams • Dutch-processed cocoa powder • ¾ cup

4 grams • baking soda • 1 teaspoon

2 grams • baking powder • ½ teaspoon

3 grams • salt • ½ teaspoon

113 grams • vegan margarine, softened • ½ cup

110 grams • coconut oil, melted and cooled to room temperature • ½ cup

300 grams • granulated sugar • 1 ½ cups

4 grams • vanilla extract • 1 teaspoon

100 grams • bananas, mashed • ½ cup

124 grams • silken tofu, blended until smooth • ½ cup

600 grams • shredded zucchini, moisture squeezed out • 3 cups

40 grams • shredded sweetened coconut • ½ cup

80 grams • chocolate chips • ½ cup

Chocolate chip cookie butter frosting or frosting of choice

Instructions

Start by preheating oven to 325 degrees F and greasing / lining with paper cups 30 cupcake tins (you may, of course, not have that many cupcake tins, so you can bake them in separate batches).

Whisk together all-purpose flour, cocoa powder, baking soda, baking powder, and salt in a medium bowl. Place margarine, coconut oil, granulated sugar, and vanilla in the bowl of an electric stand mixer and cream until light and fluffy. Add bananas and tofu and combine once more. With mixer on low, gradually add dry ingredients just until combined. Fold in zucchini, coconut, and chocolate chips.

Divide batter between cupcake tins and bake for about 28 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted comes out clean. Let cool for five minutes before removing from tins, then let cool completely on a wire rack before frosting. By the way...frosting = not optional.

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You will notice my elegant sprinkle of shredded coconut. 

So while this recipe may not be breathtakingly original or anything, it’s certainly a great way to use up some more zucchini. I find that the strong flavors of chocolate work well with the squash in baked goods, as they ensure you don’t have any of that weird vegetable-y taste in your cupcakes. Coconut is a great addition here, adds a little texture.

And in regards to the ingredient list: the Dutch-processed cocoa powder cannot really be substituted, but in a pinch natural cocoa powder will work fairly well. You may have a bit of a different texture. Honestly, there are some things that you should just go for the good stuff, and Dutch-process cocoa powder is one of them.

Same with frosting. Never compromise when it comes to frosting.

Or the quality of your zucchini baked goods, for that matter—and on the subject, guess what green squashy vegetable is starring in our next muffin?!?

YOU’LL NEVER GUESS.