Vegan chocolate coconut zucchini cupcakes

Do you listen to pop radio? I certainly do. I’m no music connoisseur (aside from the heaps of classical pieces I’ve learned over the years), and while I do think that I have excellent taste (like every other person in the world) I am not above the Top 40 and such things.

Lately, I’ve been struck by more than a few songs playing on the “kids these days” stations. For example:

Wicked easy vegan chocolate chip cookies

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: June is a bitch, and therefore gets riled up over the simplest things, one of which is the way folks like to label their recipes ZE BEST without any sort of factual justification for the claim. And we all know only America’s Test Kitchen is allowed to do that.

Homemade vegan chocolate wafer cookies

Today, I have one question for you: would you buy a self-published book?

You may recall (probably not) that I’ve been spending the past few weeks binge-writing my novel-in-progress—a novel which I someday hope to publish, with a traditional publisher or not. But lately, I’ve begun to think that maybe a traditional publisher isn’t the route I want to take.

Vegan fudgy zucchini brownie cupcakes with lavender buttercream

Whipping up these cupcakes has caused me to wonder: why haven’t I made anything with lavender before?

No idea.

Because it is mind-blowing. World-changing. Palate-arousing. “Ugh, can’t even”-inspiring.

And you can expect me to incorporate lavender into as many recipes as possible in the coming months, for better or for worse.

Zucchini peanut butter chocolate chip mini cakes with vanilla glaze

For this post, I considered writing a long, highly emotional screed about all of the baking failures I’ve experienced in the past month.

But then I thought, screw that, and so you have been spared. It would have been mostly the product of my own depressive delusions anyway.  

Basically, I just want you to know I don’t know what I’m doing.

Neapolitan celebration cakes part II - gluten-free chocolate layer cake

If there’s one thing I don’t understand, it’s the fuss over dietary restrictions that people seem to delight in these days. Everyone loves playing “find the vegan”—you know, that condescending game that apparently disqualifies everything ever said in favor of a vegan diet. Some folks (and not just restaurateurs), bitch and moan when an otherwise normal person dares to alter a menu item to fit their needs or preferences. But mostly, it’s the cultural idea that it’s okay to lecture someone about what’s on their plate that disturbs me—the idea that what you should or shouldn’t eat is someone else’s business.

Vegan chocolate peanut butter swirl bread

There’s something special about making homemade bread. It’s not like cake, my first true love, where you whip up a batter—usually involving just a few steps—and stick it in the oven. With bread, you have to nurture the dough for hours; you have to be careful with it and play with it gently to get all of the right attributes, whatever those may be. And if you’re like me, you will probably mess up at some point and end up with a weird-looking, if delicious, little loaf.

Vegan sweet potato layer cake with candied pecans and chocolate frosting

As you can see, some dramatic, earth-shaking changes have been enacted on this here blog as of late. To the left, there is a line of social media icons, as follows:

No fucking duh, Baby June.

You will find that these symbols link to my social media profiles. Why did I do this? Because I am a validation-starved attention whore, obviously. Feel free to click on them. Or not. It hardly matters, because my point in mentioning this is to give credit to Sew Many Ways’ tutorial on how to create this beautiful line of symbols as well as Carrie Loves’ free downloads.

In case you were wondering, I used “dazzling blue”.

So thank you, Sew Many Ways and Carrie Loves, for this.

Well, that had absolutely nothing to do with the recipe I have here, so let us move on to more fascinating and delicious courses of conversation—I mean, single-stream ranting—like, I don’t know…sweet potatoes.

Sweet, sweet potatoes. source

Imma let you finish, but sweet potatoes are the greatest vegetable of all time. And yes, they are vegetables. Even though they taste like candy.

Not only are sweet potatoes delicious, but they have been a staple of the human diet for millennia. The World Until Yesterday by Jared Diamond, a fascinating book I recently read, described how many traditional societies (the term used for the tribes and bands of, you know, yore). I can’t find a direct quote, but I distinctly remember reading that some societies (mostly those in Polynesia and South America, where sweet potatoes are a native plant) had diets consisting of up to 90% sweet potatoes. In case you aren’t so great in math, that’s a lot. Trust me. I eat tons of sweet potatoes, but my dietary intake probably maxes out at around 5%, depending on the day.

Why were these societies able subsist off of this fabulous vegetable? Because it is a) readily available in their climates and b) super nutritious and c) probably the tastiest food these primitive societies had available to them. I mean, if you have a choice between taro root, plain greens, and sweet potato, would you really  say, “Hey, I’m really feeling that spinach today, let’s go munch on some dressing-less salad while we fight of starvation and disease”? No. You fucking wouldn’t. In fact, you would probably rather go and hunt some lions. Sweet potatoes just happen to be a bit easier to acquire than fresh lion flank steak.

GO EAT SOME SWEET POTATOES, MOTHERFUCKER. source

Okay lion, calm down. Bitch.

And that is how some traditional societies came to rely on sweet potatoes so heavily. Does that make eating 90% sweet potatoes paleo?

I don't think traditional societies were able to acquire that much meat, but whatever. source

Reading The World Until Yesterday in large part justified my obsession with this glorious vegetable. It’s natural. Must be in my genes, buried underneath all of the beer-loving Irishness and croissant-gomphing Frenchness and whiteness in general.

So it came as no surprise to my family that, when I officially finished all of my stupid fucking exams and was home for the summer, I chose to make a sweet potato layer cake to celebrate. 

Um...I don't see any sweet potato.

Yes, there is sweet potato in there. Somewhere. Somehow. If you dig beneath all of that frosting, you shall find it.

Scroll up to the top where I so helpfully placed that shot of a single slice of this beautiful mess, and you will see that the frosting is sort of sectioned off into two layers. That is because there is actually two layers of frosting. The first layer consists of world-famous two-ingredient vegan frosting, made with coconut cream and chocolate chips, and to be honest it came out quite shitty. Shitty enough that I smeared it all over my painstakingly crafted layer cake and cried my heart out before sucking it up and making a batch of buttercream to hide the failure. The second frosting recipe I tried, from Add a Pinch, came out far, far better—and so from now on I recommend that instead as a staple vegan frosting. It is simple and fabulous and fluffy and delicious and every way. You can’t go wrong with chocolate buttercream.

Now about the cake. The pound cake, which I adapted from Taste of Home, was sort of a mess too. I did not think you would have to spread the batter perfectly smooth in the pans before baking. I was wrong. Thus I strongly recommend you make sure to do so if you attempt this recipe. Also—I was lacking silken tofu to make my favorite egg replacement, therefore I was forced to use chia seeds (as you can plainly see). That was not so grand, unless you like having little black dots studded throughout your cake. So feel free to use tofu instead.

Otherwise, there was nothing wrong with this layer cake. Nothing at all.

I know. I’m just perfect that way.

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Sweet potato layer cake with candied pecans and chocolate frosting

Makes one large layer cake

Ingredients

Sweet potato pound cake (adapted from Taste of Home)

56 grams ● Earth Balance, softened ● ¼ cup

54 grams ● coconut oil, softened (or more Earth Balance) ● ¼ cup

100 grams ● granulated sugar ● ½ cup

124 grams ● silken tofu, blended until smooth (or other substitute for two eggs—I used two chia eggs) ● ½ cup

2 grams ● vanilla extract ● ½ teaspoon

187 grams ● all-purpose flour ● 1 ½ cups

4 grams ● baking powder ● 1 teaspoon

1 gram ● baking soda ● ¼ teaspoon

1 gram ● salt ● 1/8 teaspoon

2 grams ● cinnamon ● ½ teaspoon

1 gram ● nutmeg ● 1/8 teaspoon

200 grams ● mashed and cooled sweet potatoes ● 1 cup

Sweet potato cheesecake (adapted from Nutrition Stripped)

318 grams ● sweet potato ● 1 cup plus ½ cup plus 2 tablespoons

141 grams ● cashews, soaked for one hour ● 1 cup

240 grams ● maple syrup ● ¾ cup

14 grams ● coconut oil ● 1 tablespoon

0.5 gram ● salt ● 1 pinch

168 ● chocolate chips ● 1 cup

Candied pecans (adapted from Babble)

100 grams ● pecans ● 1 cup

50 grams ● sugar ● ¼ cup

14 grams ● coconut oil ● 1 tablespoon

2 grams ● vanilla extract ● ½ teaspoon

2 grams ● salt ● ¼ teaspoon

2 grams ● cinnamon ● 1 teaspoon

Chocolate fudge frosting (adapted from Add a Pinch)

170 grams ● Earth Balance, softened ● ¾ cup

43 grams ● cocoa powder ● ½ cup

300 grams ● powdered sugar ● 2 ½ cups

60 grams ● nondairy milk ● ¼ cup

4 grams ● vanilla extract ● 1 teaspoon

1 gram ● espresso powder ● ¼ teaspoon

Instructions

To make sweet potato pound cake, start by preheating the oven to 350 degrees F and greasing two nine-inch round baking pans. Set aside.

Place Earth Balance, coconut oil, and sugar in the bowl of an electric stand mixer and beat until light and fluffy. Add tofu (or chia eggs) and vanilla extract and beat until combined. In a separate bowl, whisk together flour, baking soda, baking powder, cinnamon, nutmeg, and salt. Add to creamed mixture alternately with sweet potatoes and mix just until combined. The batter will be stiff, and that’s okay.

Divide batter into the greased baking pans, smoothing over batter into an even layer, and bake for about 20 to 25 minutes or until a toothpick inserted comes out clean. Let cool for ten minutes before removing from pans, then let cake layers cool completely before making the other layers.

To make sweet potato cheesecake, combine all ingredients in a powerful blender or food processor and let it whir until thoroughly combined.

To make candied pecans, start by placing parchment paper on a baking sheet. Set aside. Then, melt coconut oil in a large skillet over medium-high heat. Add sugar, salt, and cinnamon and stir to combine. Add nuts and cook over medium heat, stirring constantly until sugar caramelizes and the nuts are toasted. Remove from heat and add vanilla. Pour nuts on prepared baking sheet and use a fork to separate nuts into a single layer. Let cool completely before using.

Now, place the cooled sweet potato cake at the bottom of a nine-inch springform pan. Sprinkle some candied pecans on top, then pour sweet potato cheesecake on top of that. Add the rest of the candied pecans. Top with the final layer of sweet potato cake and put the whole shebang in the freezer.

To make chocolate frosting, place softened Earth Balance and cocoa powder in the bowl of an electric stand mixer and cream together until well combined. Next, add one cup of powdered sugar and one tablespoon of milk. Turn mixer on high for about a minute, then add another cup of powdered sugar and another tablespoon of milk. Mix on high once again. Finish with the remaining milk and sugar as well as vanilla extract and espresso. Beat like a mofo until it is nice and fluffy and wonderful.

To finish cake, remove the sides of the springform pan from the prepared layers and cover the whole thing with frosting. Do it like a dude; don’t be afraid to get messy with that bitch. Put it on a cake tray and serve it up to your drooling guests. Or yourself.

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Out of all of the components in this cake, I would say the chocolate chip sweet potato cheesecake and the candied pecans are tied for most delicious. I could not stop eating those pecans, I swear. Had to hurry to put together the cake lest I eat them all. Same thing with the cheesecake—could have eaten it with a spoon right out of the food processor like the fucking punk rocker I am on the inside if I hadn’t mustered up a shred of self-control just in time. 

That green plate does not go well with that brown cake. Sorry.

And despite this cake’s imperfections, I would say it was one of the best cakes I’ve ever made. Maybe not number one—the Thin Mint cake still takes that designation—but still up there. So much chocolate. So much sweet potato. I am lost for words.

I'm as confused as this photo is right now.

In other news (besides cake, obviously): I have recently gone to the cake store (or whatever it is called) to get some more awesome-sauce baking supplies, such as new piping tips (ZOMG!), an offset spatula (finally!), a box of fifty piping bags (yes yes yes!), and—wait for it—SPRINKLES! Nonpareils, to be specific. Armed with these and a library copy of Sensational Buttercream Decorating, I shall conquer the world.

You just wait and see. 

Chocolate doughnut holes with orange curd and espresso

Last post, I talked about one of what is, IMHO, one of the most loveable food trends out there now—miniature food—and even went out like a brave little Baby June to provide you with my own example of such food. That was a lot of work, a lot of exertion there. I am ready to bitch.

No, not you. source

If you’ve been around the food blogosphere a few times, you’ve likely seen so-called baked doughnuts—cake-like treats baked in a doughnut mold pan and oftentimes frosted to look like their traditional fried counterparts. And I’ll admit, most of them look delicious and even adorable, especially the miniature ones. It even looks like the trend may have given us the glorious dogenut.

*Cries with irrepressible joy* source 

But, well, you know. You probably know what I’m going to say. I’m going to sound like a dumbass pretentious foodie with her nose stuck in the air and chubby fists shoved in a bag of artisanal cheese puffs. So fuck that shit, let me explain why these doughnut holes—these delicious, chocolaty, greasy balls of fried dough, which also happen to be vegan—are better than baked doughnuts.

First and foremost, they are fried. Fried things are good. This is a basic tenant of Murican culture, and I expect that every fellow Murican who is reading this blog knows has taken this to be a fact. If you are not Murican consider yourself exempted.

Secondly, they are fried. Did I say that already? Well, my point now is that every person should have a least one experience deep-frying a piece of dough. Last fall, I made apple cider doughnuts for the first time and it was a revelation—a painful, oil-splashed revelation, but a revelation nonetheless. It will humble you. It will make you think twice the next time you buy into the systemic oppression of fry cooks across the country.

STOP! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GETTING INTO! THIS IS DANGEROUS! source

Third, know that gaining experience into the beauty of deep frying will broaden your culinary horizons. Not until you plunge raw food into a vat of oil as hot as an oven and, a few minutes later, rescue it with tongs and fling it onto a few inches of paper towels will you understand how magical this technique truly is. You will discover that it takes only a brief trip into hell for an ordinary, uncooked food to transform into the pinnacle of addictive deliciousness. Doughnuts are only the gateway drug. You can fry everything and everything, from yams to green tomatoes to lasagna (?) to cheesecake (!) to butter (?!?!).

I wasn't kidding. source

By now, you must be head-over-heels in love with the culinary art that is deep-frying. So where to begin? Well, I’m no expert, but I have made regular old doughnuts not once, but twice in my lifetime, not to mention I once fried zucchini because, #YOLO—and as a result of this experience, I have acquired some tidbits of wisdom you ought to know before you delve into this new and exciting form of cooking. A few tips:

1. Keep baking soda nearby. Hopefully you will not need to use this, but in case of a grease fire, it is helpful to have some of the stuff close at hand. I have not had to use it. Yet.

See my little box of the stuff next to the pile of turdballs.

2. Wear some sort of protection on your arms when putting dough into oil. The first time I made doughnuts, I got a nice little burn across my forearm after accidentally pressing it against the edge of the pot. Which was hot. That pot was very hot. Not to mention, you run the risk of splashing oil all over your bare hands if you get a little clumsy and drop something in the oil. When making these doughnut holes, I wore an oven mitt. Worked quite well, if I do say so myself.

3. Don’t rush. One of the worst things you can do is drop something in the pot and have hot oil splash everywhere. Basically, don’t be a dumbass; use tongs or a slotted spoon to carefully lift items in and out of the fryer. It’s better to go slowly and steadily than rush and end up injured. I would know.

4. Keep your eye on the temperature. Make sure the oil doesn’t get too hot or too cold, and adjust the heat accordingly. You wouldn’t want half the batch to cook perfectly and the other half to be burnt to a crisp. Unless you like crispy, burnt things.

5. Remember that things cook faster than you think. It will take like thirty seconds for these doughnut holes to cook. If you let the sit in there for a minute or so after they are done, they will be blackened and burnt and soaked with grease and not appetizing overall. Just because the oil is 375 degrees, doesn’t mean it will take the same time for the dough to cook as it would in a 375 degree oven. Chemistry, bitches.

So those are my tips for today. If you have anything to add, feel free to leave a comment! I’m far, far, far, far from an expert—these are just some things I think would have been helpful for me to know the first time around, and they would probably be helpful for any deep-frying newbies out there too.

But even if your doughnuts are not perfect, they’re still pretty delicious.

Here is the recipe.          

____________

Chocolate doughnut holes with espresso and orange curd

Adapted from Food.com and Healthy Happy Life

____________

Chocolate doughnut holes

Ingredients

150 grams • granulated sugar • ¾ cup

62 grams • silken tofu, blended until smooth (or other substitute for one egg) • ¼ cup

27 grams • Earth Balance or vegan margarine • 2 tablespoons

57 grams • unsweetened baking chocolate • 2 ounces

3 grams • vanilla extract • ¾ teaspoon

122 grams • nondairy milk • ½ cup

2 grams • apple cider vinegar • ½ teaspoon

6 grams • espresso powder • 2 teaspoons

219 grams • all-purpose flour • 1 ¾ cups

6 grams • baking powder • 1 ½ teaspoons

2 grams • baking soda • ½ teaspoon

1 gram • salt • ¼ teaspoon

A shit ton of canola oil (not too much though)

Instructions

In a small bowl, beat sugar and blended tofu (or other egg substitute) together until smooth. In a large saucepan over low heat, melt Earth Balance and chocolate. Once melted, remove from heat and stir in sugar mixture until combined. In yet another bowl, combine soy milk, vinegar, and vanilla. Stir this into the sugar / chocolate mixture too.

In a medium bowl, combine flour, baking soda, baking powder, espresso powder, and salt. Stir this gently into liquid mixture until a dough is formed. Do not over-mix. Wrap the dough in plastic wrap and stick in the fridge for a couple hours until it’s nice and hard and easy to work with. In this time you can make the orange curd, recipe below.

After two hours have passed, lightly flour a nice big surface and roll out the dough to ½ inch thick. Using a knife or a cookie cutter or doughnut cutter or whatever, make cute little circles of dough and set them aside. You are ready to fry. This is the best part, I swear.

Heat your shit ton of canola oil to 375 degrees F in a big pot. There is no exact amount of oil necessary for frying but just make sure the oil reaches several inches up the side of the pot. I’m really sorry.

Start out by putting one doughnut hole in the fryer (using tongs or a slotted spoon) and letting it cook for about thirty to forty-five seconds, flipping halfway through. That is if your doughnuts are about an inch in diameter; if they are larger or smaller, the cooking time will differ accordingly. It will puff up all magic-like and brown slightly. Once the first doughnut is cooked, put it on a platter lined with like a whole role of paper towels to soak up all the grease.

At this point, you can put a bunch of doughnuts in there and fry them all at once. The first was just a test. Don’t crowd the pot too much; make sure there is plenty of room for each doughnut to bob around and soak up oil. Let them cool for a few minutes before eating. Make sure they aren’t too hot if you want to top them with curd.

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Orange curd

Ingredients

122 grams ● nondairy milk ● ½ cup

60 grams ● water ● ¼ cup

16 grams ● cornstarch ● 1 tablespoon

75 grams ● sugar ● ¼ cup plus 2 tablespoons

90 grams ● orange juice, fresh or bottled ● ¼ cup plus 2 tablespoons

2 grams ● lemon zest or orange zest ● 1 teaspoon

71 grams ● Earth Balance or other vegan buttery spread ● 5 tablespoons

Dash of orange liqueur, optional

Instructions

Head on over to Healthy Happy Life to get instructions. But you should substitute orange juice for lemon juice if you want orange curd. Otherwise it is lemon curd. Just so you know. If you want, stir in orange liqueur at the end.

Once cooled and set and all that jazz, you can assemble the doughnuts as described below.

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Assembly

Ingredients

Chocolate doughnut holes

Orange curd

Dark chocolate bar

Powdered sugar

Instructions

So the first thing you’ll want to do is shave the chocolate. There are multiple ways to do this, but I used a lemon zester to get little flake-like pieces. Simply place the chocolate bar underside-up on a cutting board and drag that zester across until little pieces of chocolate start to come off. Store shavings in the refrigerator until you need them.

Place doughnut holes in a muffin tin and sprinkle with powdered sugar. Dollop a little bit of orange curd on top, then add a pinch of chocolate shavings on top of that to make it all fancy-like. So perf! Now nosh. Eat within a few hours or the doughnuts will get soggy. If you don’t top the doughnuts, you can keep them at room temperature or chilled for a couple days.

__________

As you can see, my doughnut holes are not exactly the most perfect of holes. 

What are those things down there? I don't even know.

That is because, being a pitiful little peasant, I do not have a sufficient cookie cutter to make doughnut holes. I searched through the giant, ancient box of plastic cutters my family has festering in the basement, and there was not a single munchkin-sized shape in the entire thing. So I went commando and used a paring knife. Big deal. So what if they look like shit? They taste the same.

And I’d say the crispy edges the holes had a few minutes after frying were worth it. 

Look at the chocolate zest! So fancy.

The flavors are even better—much cleaner and lacking that weird aftertaste that you get with the doughnuts from good old DD. Not overpoweringly sweet or one-dimensional. The chocolate-orange duo is flawless. Creamy curd and cakey cake in every bite, with a hint of espresso lurking in the background.

Guess who went to Food Writing 101.

Better than baked doughnuts? Maybe. Healthier? Maybe not. Worth all of the effort and grease?

Definitely.  

Peanut butter chocolate cookie dough-studded dark cocoa brownies with candied almond crust, banana pudding swirls, and hazelnut chocolate drizzle, plus sprinkles

Hi, friends, it’s Baby June! and we’re back with another episode of #CookingWithRandomShit and #FMLFridays. Even though it’s not Friday.

But seriously, FML.

I wish I was half that classy flipping the bird. source

{Salted} dark chocolate Oreo-stuffed **white** chocolate chip cookie bars with coconut red velvet cheesecake swirls, {walnut} streusel, and *salty* caramelized ~drizzle~, plus sprinkles! #fmlfridays #cookingwithrandomshit #sponserd

These decadent indulgent delicious treats are sure to expand your waistline but they sure don’t taste skinny! They are filled with fresh delicious chocolate and canned pie filling, and taste exactly like the crumbs at the bottom of the cereal box. They are probably the best recipe you’ve never made. It’s a transcendent experience. Like watching Terminator 2 with no pants on and a ketchup stain on your white shirt. Or Cheeto dust. Fuck. I don’t even know.

*Heavy breathing*

Banana oat breakfast pudding with peanut butter chocolate granola

There will be no cake today.

The monsoon of sadness brings many tears. source

Big blue minivan cake

Who wants to make a cake for their minivan?

Wow. Sexy. source

Okay, let me rephrase that question. Who wants to make a cake? A big one? With lots of frosting?

When cake is the question, yes is always the answer. Obviously.

But my family does indeed have an emotional connection to our minivan. The minivan is a symbol of suburban life, of gas-guzzling trips across town lines in search of groceries and movie theaters, of mothers carting their children to soccer practice and violin lessons, of the frantic, scattered lifestyles we have in this weird western world. We have traveled many miles in this van—from Cape Cod to, well, Cape Cod again (forgive our lack of creativity in family vacations).

Two hundred thousand miles, in fact.

Irish cream chocolate cake truffles

We’ve all heard that old saying: when life gives you shitty cake, make cake truffles.

Frosting cake ain't easy. source

No? Well, it’s true. Life itself may not give you cake, crappy or not, (much as I wish it would), but you can certainly make cake truffles whenever you fuck up a recipe and end up with a pile of mushy, crumbly mystery substance on your hands.

Throughout my short baking career, I have successfully fucked up what seems like a thousand recipes. I have filled the entire house with smoke when roasting plums and, after proceeding successfully for the first 99% of the recipe, caused a cake to crumble all over the countertop after removing it from the pan five minutes too early. I have even added four times the amount of butter necessary to a basic chocolate cake recipe when I misread “¼ cup butter” for “2 sticks”.

Pumpkin spice latte cupcakes

Condensed nonfat milk, sugar, high fructose corn syrup, annatto (a coloring agent), natural and artificial flavor, caramel color, salt, potassium sorbate (a preservative).

Brewed fresh with the blood of angry vegans. source

Didn’t recognize those ingredients? Not surprised. Those are the mysterious components of a pumpkin spice syrup sold by Starbucks, the maker of the legendary Pumpkin Spice Latte. Who knows what spices and synthetic chemicals and cocaine extracts fall under the category of “natural and artificial flavors”? What could possibly explain the lack of pumpkin and the presence of “annatto”, an inexpensive, saffron-esque food coloring agent derived from the seeds of the annatto tree, not to mention the enigmatic “caramel color” found on so many food labels?

Well, the question of pumpkin’s absence is an easy one. Anyone who has tried plain pumpkin puree—whether fresh or canned—will know that unaccompanied, the stuff is fucking nasty. It begs to be roasted with olive oil and rosemary, at the very least, or perhaps stirred into a curry. But pumpkins true claim to fame can be found around Thanksgiving and Christmas, when grandmothers and teenage rebels everywhere hit the kitchens to whip up their goddamn definitive pumpkin pie recipes, either dumped from a can into a Pillsbury crust or cooked slowly, from scratch, with the tender care of a pastry chef. Despite pumpkin’s reputation as a pie stable, there is literally no natural sweetness present in the fruit—two measly grams of sugar per cup—so one must dump gallons of sugar into the pie along with butter and eggs and other such things in order for the dessert to be even remotely palatable.

Do you like pancakes?

Here’s a culinary mystery if there ever was one: why, exactly, do we eat cake for breakfast?

Not literal cake; just cake-like items, like pancakes (lightly sweetened cakes cooked in a fry pan and then drenched in maple syrup), waffles (similar, but with a higher fat content to ensure crispiness), French toast (batter-coated slices of bread which are fried and, of course, drenched in maple syrup), and more. The sugar isn’t limited to these weekend specialties, either. Breakfast cereals, like cocoa puffs and the legendary Oreo-O’s. 

Okay, that's it. I'm moving to Korea. source

First take

It was about a year ago—a year ago this coming week, in fact—that I made my first cake. Solo. No mix. I don’t believe I had ever made a cake on my own, box or not, yet I was determined to do so despite my total reliance on my mother to even cream butter and sugar in the KitchenAid up to that point in time.

Oh, all the sweat and toil I could have been spared...source

The occasion: mom’s birthday. In exchange for providing my brother, myself, and my poor, pasta-making dad with sustenance day in and day out, I would make a single cake to celebrate the anniversary of when my mother busted out of her own mother’s nether regions. A suitably grand occasion for cake-making.