Vegan olive oil zucchini bread pancakes

I imagine you are mighty sick of seeing zucchini-infused baked goods by now. I know I am. My mother won’t let me make anything unless it has zucchini in it, which is quite inconvenient as I’ve never heard of zucchini macarons, or zucchini chiffon cake, or whatever?

Wait. Not trying give you any ideas. If you care about the children, you’ll not make either of those things.

Vegan tiramisu pancakes

Hey y’all! Long time no see! No worries, I’m back to torture you with more odd-looking breakfast food and gory butchering of the English language. Hide yo wife and hide yo kids, cos June is here to stay.

Vegan buckwheat raspberry pancakes with cashew cheesecake sauce

It seems that these days, so many things “go viral” it is difficult to keep up with all of the new sensations and celebrities-in-the-making and baby animals who suddenly become more famous than you will ever be. One can only read so many breathless Buzzfeed articles before slamming one’s laptop shot and picking up the New York Times. At those moments, articles not ridden with with LOL’s and OMG’s are very, very refreshing. In their own way.

Boston cream pie pancakes

Way, way back when I first started this here blog, I talked about some of the first cakes I ever made—one of which was a Boston cream pie. This was also the first time I made my own birthday cake. We now remember it as the beginning of my long-lasting addiction to all things baking as well as my newfound cake snobbery. It’s not scratch-made, by hand, with loving care and local milk? Not going to let that peasantry grace my delicate palate.

Sweet curry pancakes with mango chutney

Did you read that title up there? Did you do a double take, blink several times, and squint at the screen in bemused befuddlement?

Momofuku-inspired vegan birthday cake funfetti pancakes

I’m sure you—all three of you!—were all a bit befuddled by my last post. And that’s totally okay. It was a pleasure to write. And bake. Holy fuck that stuff was delicious. You couldn’t even taste the individual components (which I listed so helpfully in the title); it was more akin to an oversized Oreo bar covered in sticky caramel goo than…well, you know. A salted dark chocolate Oreo-stuffed white chocolate chip cookie bar with walnuts streusel, coconut red velvet cheesecake swirls and salty caramelized drizzle sauce, plus sprinkles!

Yeah. About that.

Let me just stay by saying that yes, it was satire (albeit pretty shitty satire). And no, it doesn’t mean I hate everyone. I’m just a bitch, that’s all.

There is a somewhat long and very pointless story behind that post; and as there is a pointless story behind most everything you probably don’t want or need to hear it. I don’t want to alienate more people than I already have.

You know... source

However, I will say that you don’t have to fear that I am launching smear campaigns against all the bloggers in an attempt to make my way up the food blogging hierarchy—no, that was mostly all fun and games and friendly bullying and I mean—what? Just…don’t take it personally. 

Please? With sprinkles on top?

Bacon polenta pancakes with peanut butter caramel

Bacon. Bacon bacon bacon. A love that never ends.

Probably the most monotonous and predictable thing about the internet is its love of bacon. It is literally a salt-cured piece of fat that works well in both sweet and savory contexts and possesses the most satisfying crispiness, thus fitting the basic criteria for deliciousness (as demonstrated in Salt Sugar Fat, which I found is basically a guidebook for making addictive food in the comfort of your own home)—so the fact that millions of people feel the need to worship this meat product both online and IRL is quite unsurprising. I am always shocked when someone says they don’t like bacon. Like my mom. My mom doesn’t like bacon. 

God, what a hipster. source

And, as expected, the most common rebuttal to a vegan or vegetarian diet is simply that. Bacon. Who can live without it? How can you stand to exist without consuming this one godly food?

Fortunately, bacon is probably one of the easiest foods to replicate. As I said, it is, to an untrained palate (like mine), a mass of salt and fat with a smoky flavor and pleasant crunch. Well damn if I can find something that is not dead animal flesh and possesses one of those attributes. 

Damn! source

Cherry cola pancakes

I was not planning to write anything today, much less write a post about pancakes, yet here I am and look what has happened.

Tradition is quite the phenomenon. It drives us to do the same fucking thing over and over and over again, year after year, without tiring of it—much less driving ourselves batshit crazy. How human of us.

And with Easter approaching, we can expect to carry out the same traditions once again, whether we like it or not. Family gatherings, for one. Nobody really likes those, do they? Much easier to send each other tidings of joy through Facebook.

Then you have the traditions of food. There shall be honey-glazed ham; mashed potatoes; that addictive, crunchy ramen salad; and of course chocolate bunnies and goddamn jelly beans. I mean it this time: Are you there, God? It’s me, June Baby, and I’d like you to damn jelly beans to their well-deserved vomit-filled Hell. Literally.  

Because fuck you. source

Do you like pancakes?

Here’s a culinary mystery if there ever was one: why, exactly, do we eat cake for breakfast?

Not literal cake; just cake-like items, like pancakes (lightly sweetened cakes cooked in a fry pan and then drenched in maple syrup), waffles (similar, but with a higher fat content to ensure crispiness), French toast (batter-coated slices of bread which are fried and, of course, drenched in maple syrup), and more. The sugar isn’t limited to these weekend specialties, either. Breakfast cereals, like cocoa puffs and the legendary Oreo-O’s. 

Okay, that's it. I'm moving to Korea. source