Vegan lemon cream pie

Do you wake up every morning and fry up a package of bacon and chicken periods? Do you salivate over commercials depicting juicy strips of meat being slapped on grills in slow motion and curvaceous models chowing down cheeseburgers? Is your idea of the perfect meal just a huge-ass steak with maybe some asparagus and egg yolk-filled hollandaise sauce? Then this pie is for you.

Healthier, gluten-free blondie brownie swirl bars with avocado frosting

The other day, while flipping through the latest Time magazine, a short segment on a new scientific study came to my attention.  Mostly because it included a mention of brownies. Brownies are a rare commodity in serious international magazines.

My interest having been piqued, I went ahead and googled it up to find a few longer articles on the study…only to find that, somehow, scientists had recruited quite a few volunteers to eat brownie bites—yes, brownie bites—and did not even think to ask me. How insulting. 

Easy vegan banana split ice cream

There are some special recipes out there so simple one hardly needs instructions—a PB & Elvis, for example—yet the end result is remarkable enough that you can’t keep it to yourself. This is one of those.

Banana ice cream has been around for a while now. I think we can all agree it is fabulous. One ingredient. Takes about five minutes of kitchening around, if you don’t count the time the bananas spend in the freezer; and unless you are allergic to bananas (an allergy which I actually have encountered) pretty much everyone, no matter their sensitivities or food preferences, can enjoy it. Okay, and unless you are my mom, who can only stand half a banana at once.

She eats them for the nutrition. I admire her virtuousness. source

As you can see, this berry-filled treat is practically the epitome of health and happiness and life itself, and goddamit, it’s not going to give you acne and body odor. Hallelujah. But I hesitate to label this as OMGhealthy, since, you know, the pursuit of healthyness really means ain’t so clear as this ice cream is delicious.

The Interwebs are full of people who seem to have it all figured out, whether that means cutting out types of food or food groups or mimicking Paleolithic dietary patterns (mkay) or only drinking juice (wut) or only eating foods that do not have dirt on them (double wut). It’s all quite confusing, in the end, since most of these natural food specialists or dieticians or whatever seem to have vastly different sources of information to support their ideas. And that’s okay. Maybe they should go into politics.

So like the pretentious uppity bitch that I am, I go ahead and ignore everything every natural food specialist or whatever says and eat my cake. Even though wheat and sugar and canola oil and all that shit will obviously blow you up like Violet Beauregard, not to mention bestow you with nearly every disease and disability in existence and ultimately crush our already fragile health care system under the weight of your flubbishness. You sick fatty fat.

Frankly, I’m more worried about the important issues—like whether or not I should spend the next four hours of summer vacation sleeping or faffing around online. 

You said it. source

Irreverence aside, you’ve got to admit the world of healthy eating is full of contradictions and misinformation and other sort of things that make it pretty damn hard to figure out what, exactly, you should eat today. I try my best. I eat a lot of salad. Even if I put stale bread and Cheez-its and coconut bacon and shit all over them.

I made a salad! So proud. source

Lucky for us hapless plebeians there seems to be a consensus that whole foods—fruits and vegetables and other such things which are harvested in their whole, natural form—are the best for one’s health. So there’s that.

And guess what? This ice cream is filled with whole foods. Well, I think it does. Pretty sure. Bananas are whole foods, right? And cherries? Or does it not count if you don’t eat the pits? What if you discard the shells of the walnuts? I don’t know. This is confusing.

In an attempt to further understand whether or not this ice cream really is “healthy”, I plugged the ingredients list into a nutrition calculator and examined the results, as follows:

Wow! Exactly 200 calories!

So it has a bit of saturated fat. Whatever. There is some polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fat, both of which are supposed to be good for you. Or maybe not. Maybe fat is evil. We don’t know. There’s a lot of potassium, anyway, which is fabulous, as well as fiber. There’s a whole bunch of sugar, which we all know is the devil, but there are almost four whole grams of protein! So it’s worth it!

Didn't need to know all of that but whatever.

Thanks to Sparkpeople’s recipe calculator, we can all know way more than we needed to about the recipes we make. For example, who knew this sexy awesome ice cream recipe was rich in Vitamin B-6, Vitamin C, Copper, Magnesium, Manganese, and Riboflavin? Ain’t that fine! I don’t know what it means, but it sounds good!

By now, you must be totally utterly heads-over-heels in love with this super-duper healthy recipe. I know I am. 

Um...I guess?

Yes, yes. You can obviously see above that it isn’t the prettiest of ice creams. I’m not exactly a seasoned ice cream maker, banana or otherwise, so maybe I lack the skills to swirl fudge sauce into ice cream properly so it looks all nice and neat.

Who cares, it tastes great. Like a banana split. But healthier.

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Banana split ice cream

Makes six servings

Ingredients

About 4 spotted (well-ripened) bananas

Handful of cherries (maybe try maraschino cherries, but I used fresh)

Chopped walnuts

Hot fudge sauce (recipe below)

Instructions

Chop bananas into coins and put in the freezer with cherries until hardened, about 2 to 3 hours. At this time, place frozen cherries and bananas in food processor and blend until smooth. It will take a few minutes, so be patient. When it looks all creamy and ice cream-like, pour into a freeze-able plastic container. Fold in some chopped walnuts and hot fudge sauce. Freeze for a few more minutes and serve. Store any leftovers in the freezer.

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Hot fudge sauce (adapted from The Pretty Bee)

Ingredients

21 grams • Earth Balance or other vegan buttery spread • 1 ½ tablespoons

16 grams • all-purpose flour (gluten free if desired) • 2 tablespoons

244 grams • nondairy milk • 1 cup

21 grams • cocoa powder • ¼ cup

43 grams • sugar • 3 ½ tablespoons

Pinch salt

Instructions

Head on over to The Pretty Bee to get instructions. Allow to cool completely before using.

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As you can see, this recipe is so incredibly easy you don’t even need to measure some of the components. You can put as many or as few bananas as you want, so long as they are fully ripened and frozen. You could even try swapping fresh cherries for maraschino cherries, for an extra boost of nostalgia-inducing banana split flavor. 

That font is making my eyes bleed.

Not only does this bowl of deliciousness bestow you with the joy that only good ice cream can bring, it allows you to retain your position of smug self-righteousness regarding your own health! Ain’t it fine?

Or maybe that’s just me.

Seriously, though, this stuff is good enough for breakfast. And that’s good enough for me.

Banana oat breakfast pudding with peanut butter chocolate granola

There will be no cake today.

The monsoon of sadness brings many tears. source

Cookies for breakfast

There is a reason why they say breakfast is the most important meal of the day. It is, as I have said before, the only meal (besides dessert—which of course is also very important) where it is acceptable to eat cake as the main dish. It is a baffling tradition, but one that we must fulfill nonetheless—and what better way to fulfill it than to eat a bowlful of cookies?

Murica. source

Let’s ignore the fact that, theoretically, this would produce the greatest cereal milk to ever grace this earth.

I myself have never eaten the stuff—my evil parents refused to let my brother and I consume such fare, relegating us to those grossly flavored oatmeal packets since we were tiny, impressionable children.  It’s a tragedy, really. What is childhood without Frosted Flakes and Cocoa Puffs and Lucky Charms? Frankly, I don’t know shit about those traditional kid foods, but that doesn’t stop me from lusting after sugary cereals every time I tag along my mother to the grocery store. Deprivation, I say. Post traumatic oatmeal disorder.

Just looking at this label makes me throw up a little in my mouth. Oh, the memories. source